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talkpoliticsIn light of the recent wave of wannabe secessionist movements around the world, inspired by brave Crimea, etc, I hereby invite you to detect which of the following pieces of news is the genuine one.
Gaza Strip also wants to join Russia
According to online reports, the treaty on Crimea being accepted into Russia has prompted the setting up of an initiative group that will draw up a proposal for the Palestinian enclave in Israel to hold a referendum on joining the Russian Federation, too. This is reported by the Russian-language version of the Palestinian Information Centre.
The 50K Russian brides who've been married to Palestinian dudes must be having a really heavy say in internal Gazanic(sic?) matters. But then again, it's no secret that Russian women are powerful and mightily influential, so... no surprise there.
Meanwhile...
NATO blasts a hot-air balloon in Moscow's general direction
NATO secretary-general Andy Foggy Rasmussen has announced that NATO has successfully launched a hot-air-filled balloon in the direction of Russia as a punishment for Putin's seizing of Ukraine's (g)ass. Foggy explained that the act is intended to send a strong signal to Russia, and warn Putin to pull his sticky fingers from Ukraine's netherparts, lest he'd like further rhetoric dirigibles to follow.
"This crisis necessitates the urgent blowing of a lot of hot air", Rasmussen added, "Which is why the NATO leaders have convened with the urgent task of coming up with the most eloquent warnings we could possibly manufacture. You just wait, Putin! Our hot-air balloon is gonna reach you in less than a week!"
It actually took about half an hour to fill the hot-air balloon. Such was the high level of righteous exhalation in the NATO conference room. The Americans, British and French provided the most air, while Germany supplied the technology and know-how for constructing the 21st century diplomatic Zeppelin, promising that nothing could possibly go wrong.
UK deeply concerned about "The" Crimea
Her Majesty's subjects were particularly active in the whole debacle, PM Cameron speaking on behalf of the whole Commonwealth of pseudo-colonies, expressing full support for his fave football club Hull City over the dreadful head-butting incident of one of their key players by Newcastle United's rogue manager. When asked by a couple of guys what he thought about the impending WW3, he responded, "My golly, that went overboard fairly quickly!", and then added that The UK was deeply concerned about The Crimea. If Russia continued with their aggressive chess-playing, he threatened to demand a sternly-worded letter from the British Parliament, where he wouldn't rule out the multiple use of the word 'bugger'.
Other British reactions to the Crimean debacle ranged from, "My goodness, what a tempest in a teacup, eh", to "Oh dear, how are the good Ukrainians supposed to get to the beach now!?" Smart suggestions of a solution to this impasse included, "Hey fellers, why not just draw a red line in the sand along the new border, then Putin will know where the point is that he should never have crossed - that will teach him, hey?"
Biden thrusts all in on the naked Crimea issue
Meanwhile, across the Pond, the US administration is at its rhetorical best, throwing its heavyweights into the battle of angry words. The focus in WaRshington was mainly on the prospect of Putin turning The Crimea into a huge Soviet-style nudist beach colony, where he'd be able to wave his bare nipples at will, which is indeed a dreadful prospect, come to think of it.
At the UN Council on Irrelevant Relations, US VP Biden screeched that Putin "stood alone, naked and exposed before the whole world", He also didn't miss the opportunity to accuse Putin of "naked territorial aggression" in its stealing of Ukraine's only seaside resort peninsula. Biden is of course the US expert on standing naked in a debate, gaining more experience in this respect every time he opens his mouth, especially when he invites veterans in wheelchairs to "stand up and take a bow".
Behind all the rhetoric, it's clear that the US main worry is that The Crimea could become a world-class tourist destination for nudists, which would pose a serious unfair challenge to US nudism centers such as Chatsworth, California.
Coös county votes on referendum for secession, joins Canada
And finally, but most importantly, trouble is brewing on Freedomlandia's northern borders. Isolated and almost unpopulated Coös County, New Hampshire, is preparing for a popular vote on seceding from the US of A and joining the glorious Canadian province of Québec. Québecois troops have recentlyinvaded liberated Coös (not to be confused with the Cocos Islands), placing defense installations and coffee-vending machines all over the forested wilderness, and essentially occupying the international airport of Dicks-ville with leaflet-distributing missionaries. No shots have been fired as of now, and all scheduled services, including propeller-driven weekly Border Jumper has coughed and puffed and taken flight as per its everyday schedule. Which is only to confirm the sneaky character of the Québecois conspirators, who are doing their best to create the impression that nothing unusual is happening.
Québecois premier-dictator Vladimir-Pauline Marois has assured the international community that the dozen-or-so residents of Coös County (which is to be called "The" Coös from now on, as is fashionable around secessionist circles, and is to be spelled in faux Cyrillic as "СООБ"), have actually been polite enough to invite the troops in - and politeness is of course the first sign of Canadianness. Furthermore, many of these people speak some decent French and have license plates that don't display the state motto, "Live Free or Die", but instead make a witty allusion to the Québecois motto, "Je me souviens" (I remember), by stating "Je voudrais oublier" (I wanna forget). Apparently, the thing that most locals want to forget is the clumsy state government which used to enjoy a 70% Republican veto-proof legislature that was oddly incapable of overriding any vetoes, only to substitute that with a current Democratic majority that's somehow been incapable of approving a casino at the abandoned horse-track which would otherwise have the potential to compete with Atlantic City.
"The" Coös is currently the only place in the world that views Canada as a source of stable government, so that says a lot. Transnistria, you better be taking notes!
Gaza Strip also wants to join Russia
According to online reports, the treaty on Crimea being accepted into Russia has prompted the setting up of an initiative group that will draw up a proposal for the Palestinian enclave in Israel to hold a referendum on joining the Russian Federation, too. This is reported by the Russian-language version of the Palestinian Information Centre.
The 50K Russian brides who've been married to Palestinian dudes must be having a really heavy say in internal Gazanic(sic?) matters. But then again, it's no secret that Russian women are powerful and mightily influential, so... no surprise there.
Meanwhile...
NATO blasts a hot-air balloon in Moscow's general direction
NATO secretary-general Andy Foggy Rasmussen has announced that NATO has successfully launched a hot-air-filled balloon in the direction of Russia as a punishment for Putin's seizing of Ukraine's (g)ass. Foggy explained that the act is intended to send a strong signal to Russia, and warn Putin to pull his sticky fingers from Ukraine's netherparts, lest he'd like further rhetoric dirigibles to follow.
"This crisis necessitates the urgent blowing of a lot of hot air", Rasmussen added, "Which is why the NATO leaders have convened with the urgent task of coming up with the most eloquent warnings we could possibly manufacture. You just wait, Putin! Our hot-air balloon is gonna reach you in less than a week!"
It actually took about half an hour to fill the hot-air balloon. Such was the high level of righteous exhalation in the NATO conference room. The Americans, British and French provided the most air, while Germany supplied the technology and know-how for constructing the 21st century diplomatic Zeppelin, promising that nothing could possibly go wrong.
UK deeply concerned about "The" Crimea
Her Majesty's subjects were particularly active in the whole debacle, PM Cameron speaking on behalf of the whole Commonwealth of pseudo-colonies, expressing full support for his fave football club Hull City over the dreadful head-butting incident of one of their key players by Newcastle United's rogue manager. When asked by a couple of guys what he thought about the impending WW3, he responded, "My golly, that went overboard fairly quickly!", and then added that The UK was deeply concerned about The Crimea. If Russia continued with their aggressive chess-playing, he threatened to demand a sternly-worded letter from the British Parliament, where he wouldn't rule out the multiple use of the word 'bugger'.
Other British reactions to the Crimean debacle ranged from, "My goodness, what a tempest in a teacup, eh", to "Oh dear, how are the good Ukrainians supposed to get to the beach now!?" Smart suggestions of a solution to this impasse included, "Hey fellers, why not just draw a red line in the sand along the new border, then Putin will know where the point is that he should never have crossed - that will teach him, hey?"
Biden thrusts all in on the naked Crimea issue
Meanwhile, across the Pond, the US administration is at its rhetorical best, throwing its heavyweights into the battle of angry words. The focus in WaRshington was mainly on the prospect of Putin turning The Crimea into a huge Soviet-style nudist beach colony, where he'd be able to wave his bare nipples at will, which is indeed a dreadful prospect, come to think of it.
At the UN Council on Irrelevant Relations, US VP Biden screeched that Putin "stood alone, naked and exposed before the whole world", He also didn't miss the opportunity to accuse Putin of "naked territorial aggression" in its stealing of Ukraine's only seaside resort peninsula. Biden is of course the US expert on standing naked in a debate, gaining more experience in this respect every time he opens his mouth, especially when he invites veterans in wheelchairs to "stand up and take a bow".
Behind all the rhetoric, it's clear that the US main worry is that The Crimea could become a world-class tourist destination for nudists, which would pose a serious unfair challenge to US nudism centers such as Chatsworth, California.
Coös county votes on referendum for secession, joins Canada
And finally, but most importantly, trouble is brewing on Freedomlandia's northern borders. Isolated and almost unpopulated Coös County, New Hampshire, is preparing for a popular vote on seceding from the US of A and joining the glorious Canadian province of Québec. Québecois troops have recently
Québecois premier-dictator Vladimir-Pauline Marois has assured the international community that the dozen-or-so residents of Coös County (which is to be called "The" Coös from now on, as is fashionable around secessionist circles, and is to be spelled in faux Cyrillic as "СООБ"), have actually been polite enough to invite the troops in - and politeness is of course the first sign of Canadianness. Furthermore, many of these people speak some decent French and have license plates that don't display the state motto, "Live Free or Die", but instead make a witty allusion to the Québecois motto, "Je me souviens" (I remember), by stating "Je voudrais oublier" (I wanna forget). Apparently, the thing that most locals want to forget is the clumsy state government which used to enjoy a 70% Republican veto-proof legislature that was oddly incapable of overriding any vetoes, only to substitute that with a current Democratic majority that's somehow been incapable of approving a casino at the abandoned horse-track which would otherwise have the potential to compete with Atlantic City.
"The" Coös is currently the only place in the world that views Canada as a source of stable government, so that says a lot. Transnistria, you better be taking notes!
(no subject)
Date: 19/3/14 19:43 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 19/3/14 20:30 (UTC)WWE owner Vince McMahon wants to buy Newcastle United (http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/premier-league/wwe-owner-vince-mcmahon-reported-to-be-sniffing-around-newcastle-united-with-a-view-to-incredible-takeover-bid-9135535.html). This is his Newcastle possible eleven.
(no subject)
Date: 19/3/14 20:34 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 19/3/14 20:42 (UTC)Although the Sea of Azov is just a couple meters deep, I hear. It can't be that hard to traverse it while crawling on all fours with a bamboo straw between the teeth.
(no subject)
Date: 19/3/14 21:36 (UTC)The fascisoid self-defense elements who were armed, funded, triggered by the West, and trained at NATO terrorist camps:
The spontaneous self-defense freedom-defenders in Crimea:
(no subject)
Date: 20/3/14 00:21 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 20/3/14 17:07 (UTC)What?! How the Hell do they afford those?! Hell, I can't afford a Russian bride and I theoretically live in a prosperous, not-ravaged-by-violence-and-systematic-oppression, First World nation!
(no subject)
Date: 20/3/14 17:22 (UTC)