Meet Eurasianistan, a.k.a. USSR v.2.0

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

O hail, comrades of the socialist revolution  the great Russian Empire  dudes'n'ladies who've had enough OWS wank lately! Wanna hear something about tovarisch Putin and his new pipe dream? Do bear with me, for it's getting more hilarious than that freaky siphilitic weirdo, tovarisch Lenin (who was also a Vladimir, or "Volodya" as the Russkies like to say).

So, Dear Comrade now believes that apart from all former Soviet fiefdoms, old Madar Rasha now has the moral obligation to unite under her wing such neat and distant lands like my tiny patch of mountains-and-sea called Bulgaristan (oops, sorry; that was the Turkish version thereof). Well at least thus thinketh the participants on a new "round table" of the Knights of the Kremlin, which was organized the other day by the ruling mastodon United Russia. Depiction of the Russian bear follows--

(The Cheburashka guy holding the Russian Bear in its infancy)

Let me remind that this wacky idea first came into comrade's mind a few weeks back. In an article that he wrote about the so-called "Eurasian Union", and which was published in the state-friendly Izvestiya rug last month, he was commenting on his love for comrade Medvedev and his decision to propose him, the Father of the Nation, for another presidential term starting next year. (I assume you'd agree that the chances of NOT electing Dear Comrade are approximately equal to the chances of a cartoon ACME anvil falling on your head as you're taking a stroll in the park, so - meh).

The new Union is supposed to be a "Big Country" (because the Russkies have a boner about big things, especially ones made of glass and containing vodka), and a successor to Putin's genius idea of a united economic space across the Eurasian steppes. Something Genghis Khan would've felt so jealous about, he'd have cut his pony-tail and eaten it with some Tatar-sauce.

Well actually it's not just a fairy tale. On Jan 1st, 2012, Russia + Belarus + Kazakhstan, these three paragons of Eurasian democracy, will effectively become part of a unified economic entity. But that's not enough for the dear comrades. Putin believes "the purposes of modernization" require that Russia unites all former Soviet fiefdoms (now still CIS members) under its umbrella, even possibly including in its sphere-of-influence (sounds familiaaaar, this is aaawkaaard...) other such fine lands who are "loyal to the Russian economic interests" (excuse me?) - like perhaps Finland, Hungary, the Czechs, Bulgaria, Mongolia, even Vietnam, Cuba and Venezuela. Possibly parts of the backside of the Moon too. Sheer awesomeness.

So, the guys from United Russia have been just exploring the prospects of those lands joining in, for the time being. Comrade's article also says that some "instruments and compelling historic arguments" are in place, supporting the notion for a "greater project" for an Eurasian Union, which could ultimately unite 250+ million sheeple  people under the sceptre of Tzar Volodya II (because Volodya Lenin came 1st).

Among those "arguments"? The "common history of these lands" from the post-Soviet space. Among the "instruments"? The Russian language as a lingua franca, a language of cooperation, diplomacy and business. No shit - many people down here have re-started learning Russian like in the good ole days of old, cos the Russkies are again flocking in in hordes, buying stuff and investing around these latitudes as if there's no tomorrow. Well, the "Bratushki"* have always liked our sunny beaches + our salads with cheese + our wimminz, but I don't think this time they're here for that. Nope, they're buying properties here cause this way they could get a EU passport and travel wherever they want around Europe, and live like the barons that they are. So we gotta be practical and do our bestest to recall how those horrible grammar cases were being done, like it or not. (My people have kicked out all the useless grammar cases centuries ago - smart asses they were).

But Dear Comrade (pictured above) is a good and merciful sonofabitch, he promises it won't be "One Country to Rule Them All", it'll be an "organism, consisting of sovereign states". The Russian pipelines being its veins, and the oil and gas being its blood and... let's say mucus. (?)

In the "foreseeable future" (and mind you, Putin is going to live for 120 years, you just mark my words!), the European Union is obviously not expected to even leave its door ajar for Mother Russia, and she'd hardly bother making steps toward a NATO membership, because, you know, NATO = bad; Russia = savior of the oppressed ==> Russia: Must... Oppose... Decadent... Western... Imperialists. However, as the world is now obviously shifting toward a patchwork of integrated groups of players, this future Eurasian Empire  Union is to be seen as something "natural for Russia".

Eurasianistan is supposed not so much to unite the lands, but the peeps in a united entity, Russia's ambassador to enemy NATO recently preached. In this sense, he added, Kremlin should "look more carefully" into the plea of some 20,000 Kosovo Serbs who've requested Russian citizenship. (Wow!) Also he regurgitated the idea that Russian should become one of the official EU languages, although Russia is nowhere near EU membership. Not even by a thousand miles (literally). What they'd need in order to do that, would be 1 million signatures in at least 7 EU member states. I say good luck with that, Russkies!

Oh, and there are even some concrete guidelines for starting the process of the formation of Eurasianistan. One of the Kyrgyzstan officials summarized the situation: "There *will* be an union of some sorts, whether we want it or not". (So, I'd add, you better want it). He also cited Dear Comrade Volodya II: "Whoever is not missing the USSR, has no heart; whoever dreams of getting USSR back, has no head". And he ventured to add from himself: "And whoever doubts that we'll create a new union, is just a fool".

So I better hurry up and dig up that old red Pioneer tie, and move from merely using Russian colloquially, to actually refreshing my grammar and vocabulary, cuz the Russkies are coming!!!

* Ps. Ruski Bratushki = Russian big brothers [lovingly]. Cause, ya know, we're the Small Bro, OK? There was a time our commie leader Todor "Tato" Zhivkov begged Brezhnev to accept us as USSR's 16th fiefdom. He was given the finger. Yep, the middle one. But now? Now it's different. We have EU beaches, you know!

Comments

[luvdovz.livejournal.com]

Ugh, he writes articles? The comments from his claquers under the Izvestia article are very entertaining btw:

"Narod Rossii" (Russian People) wrote:
Here's a heart-warm salute to our Great Party United Russia, we are as one, and we support the Great undertaking of our dear leader - Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin!!! He's our President FOREVER!!!

Oh my, this brought a tear on my eye.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

It fills me with tender feelings too!

[nairiporter.livejournal.com]

This may be silly, but is it just me or does comrade Putin look exactly like Gollum in that picture?

I don't think his pipe dream can come true. You did a good move by joining NATO and EU, and staying one of the most fiscally responsible members there. You can rest assured you are protected, at least geopolitically, if not financially.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

Sarko told us in the face: You guys were never really ready for the EU, but we let you in for geostrategic reasons, so shove it!

So I guess I can sleep well now.

[luvdovz.livejournal.com]

And look! The Russian baby bear has a mask on his mug. Must be the nuclear paranoia...

[lions-wings.livejournal.com]

oil and gas being its blood and... let's say mucus.

Lymph, maybe? Still gross but harder for most people to picture.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

Lymph is good.

[luzribeiro.livejournal.com]

Dude, you rule.

[peamasii.livejournal.com]

Lots of red pioneer ties in my 1978 class:

[peamasii.livejournal.com]

I'm the third from the left, bottom row. In addition to the red pioneer tie, I have the yellow tresses indicating I was group leader. First to immigrate to the US four years later. ;-)

[peamasii.livejournal.com]

I'm sure the people from Finland and the Baltic states really look forward to the new empire in the making, it must give all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings up their spine.

[geezer-also.livejournal.com]

Ya know, you really make it difficult to wallow in my isolationist mindset when you keep making these interesting and informative posts :P

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

Oh but it reinforces the notion that there's no place like home! You wouldn't wanna go to Russia anytime soon, would ya?

[meindampf.livejournal.com]

He's been recently hissed off heavily. It's been haning in the Russian top for a while. You probably have heard of it.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

Yep, Navalny reported about this on his LJ blog. That same Navalny who was the reason for those DDoS attacks on LJ in summer.

[devil-ad-vocate.livejournal.com]

The only Bulgarian I've known - he escaped in 1970 - wasn't very fond of Russians... probably due to the bullet scars on his legs.

[mahnmut.livejournal.com]

And I thought the only Bulgarian I and others know was Hristo Stoichkov. And nowadays, Dimitar Berbatov.

But that's soccer.

[ghoststrider.livejournal.com]

So, the State Union of Russia and Belarus will be going through then, eh? I'm honestly a little surprised that Putin is proposing this; right now, we're seeing the EU exploding and the Eurozone flying apart, and it's happening right next door to him, so he wants to do the same thing? I realize his ultimate goal is world domination, not fiscal and political unity, but come on. Bad timing.

Also, am I the only one who sees Putin Russia as the 21st century Nazi Germany? They're borderline fascist, judging from their political restrictions and policies.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

They're outright fascist. Not as subtly fascist as the US, but a lot more blatantly fascist. Fascism = state + corporate merger. Putin is at least honest about it. Well, he doesn't call it fascism, but he doesn't call it "democracy", either.

As for this union, I guess he'd want to avoid repeating the EU's mistake, namely: economic union without a unified political authority. Or if he attempts to do that, he'd be suicidal. Either way, I'm not seeing this union lasting. It's too diverse, and not just culturally, but territorially. That was the problem with the old USSR, too. There were areas which were the engine that used to pull the rest with themselves, while vast chunks of the union were worthless leeches who contributed with nothing but populace. Add the extreme territorial centralization of the economy, and the huge demographic imbalances, and you can see why it crumbled. It was just unsustainable, and the new union will be too. He's hoping it to rest upon the vast resources, but that's not imperial entities are supposed to work.

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

We've been trying our best to be an American satellite right now, but those Amurkkins don't seem to care much about us, save for our air bases on the coast, duh. Seems like we're stuck with those powdered poodles in Brussels. :-S

Ya know, a nice joke here claims that "Whoever has ventured to be in the same alliance with us, has soon found themselves at the dunghill of history". Just think about it. Germany sided with us twice - and got their ass kicked. The Soviets "took" us from behind - they ate the dust. Now EU... I don't envy those guys...

[terminator44.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it seems the only way this could happen is if the Russian military forces it on Eastern Europe. You don't think that will happen, do you?

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

Bring in the tanks? They don't have to. Now they have the pipelines. Stop the gas and we freeze. It has happened before, just as a warning. And now they've finished that pipeline to Germany, bypassing the unfriendly Poland...

[abomvubuso.livejournal.com]

The talks about the cultural bonds are nice, but in reality all Putin cares about is guaranteed markets for Russia at a time when the world is shifting to a multipolar model. I.e. again, it's the economy, stupid.

Putin....*shakes head*

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

Sigh, and then the House of Putin re-establishes the rule of the Tsars, no doubt.