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talkpoliticsI have an obsession with clarity, or at least with a kind of clarity. I think about how much of my world is constructed in shorthand and stereotypes, and I want to fill in those gaps. I want to try, at least, even though it’s probably like patching a leaky roof with sponges.
In 2016, before I did most of my international travel, I tried to document my limited outlook, before all the research and exploration "ruined" it. I felt like I was a little more informed than my peers; but doesn't everyone? How would I know otherwise?
Perhaps these descriptions will sound eerily familiar if you’re a person with demographics similar to mine. Or even better: You can probably make a good guess at my time, location, appearance, age, gender, and so on just by pondering what things I’m ignorant of.
Iceland:
Iceland is a big ice-covered chunk of rock way up north, populated by a dangerously inbred collection of white people, all crammed into one large city, close to some killer geothermal pools that are probably very relaxing to sit in. Having nothing left to exploit on their rock in terms of natural resources and not much of a tourism draw, but consistently bearing the “right” skin color, hair color, and height for social navigation, they have naturally turned to banking and finance as the means to stay at first-world levels of comfort. From a sideways perspective this isn’t too far from the plundering behavior of their ancestors, just white collar instead of blue collar. Nobody does any crime because Iceland is too cold, but people struggle with depression a lot. This ironically makes Icelanders a very interesting and engaging people to talk to. This is also probably why they spawned Bjork. Occasionally their snow-covered rock explodes a little, dumping hot ash into the air and blocking the sun, and there is some fatalistic worry over this but eventually everyone goes back to ignoring it. Icelanders probably throw really cool parties. And hey, don’t hate them because they’re beautiful and smart. Do business with them instead. You’ll live longer.
Norway:
Norway is up at the top of Europe. I think it’s that big banana-shaped one. The capitol is Oslo but I only know that from playing Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego, and according to that game it has three buildings: A market, a library, and an airport. There’s lots of gorgeous fjords and spacious glaciers around, and everybody talks in a sing-songy voice and says “ya” randomly in conversations. It’s a nice place to live if you don’t mind the cold, ya.
If you don’t like hiking and skiing and you’re not a conservationist, what the hell are you doing in Norway? Get out before we throw you out, weirdo. Ya.
Finland
Sometimes I mix this one up with Sweden. Monty Python had a song about what a lovely tourist destination it was. Colder and more remote than Sweden but otherwise the same? I think Helsinki is here? Hmm... How do I know that? The Olympics? Carmen Sandiego?
Sweden:
I consistently confuse this country with Switzerland, just because of the name. Everyone in Sweden dresses like a lumberjack and has very strong opinions about woodcutting. The Swedes are very practical minded and take themselves way more seriously than everyone else does - much like Canadians.
Their biggest export - IKEA - is the result of mating their austere sense of interior design with their practical interest in conservation, and is only popular in the ‘states because they manage to make it fun to shop for cheap, fragile, angular shit that looks like shit when you put it together but is now the pride of your house because you went to all that trouble. Good news: When you want to sell your IKEA shelves you can get almost all your money back because of the labor invested in them, but if you can’t find a buyer, you set them on the curb and after 24 hours of exposure to wind and humidity they look like trash. That’s OK, it was just 20 bucks.
The Swedes make up for their stoic nature by absolutely freaking wailing in heavy metal bands; like, oh my god did you hear that guitar solo? That was brutal!! I swear he had his eyes shut the entire time, he was leaning back like, YAAAAAAAA, and it was all CHOOM CHOOM DEEDLY DEEDLY...
Denmark:
Everything I know about this place - which is practically nothing - came from the movie Pinocchio, and the “Small World” ride at Disneyland. I imagine hills of rolling green punctuated by gaily painted windmills and clusters of fluffy sheep, tended by Julie Andrews doppelgängers wearing long dresses and enormous wooden shoes. The weather is unrealistically warm, everyone has a bicycle, and no one gives a crap about anything happening outside Denmark, because it sucks out there anyway, right?
Oh and there’s Amsterdam, which is full of dope and whores, and everybody thinks that’s the coolest thing ever, apparently. (Mumbai has way, way more dope and whores in it but they’re not Danish so no one cares.) This really doesn’t square with the Disney image I have of the rest of the country. Hmmm.
I’m certain I have relatives in Denmark. My grandfather on my mother‘s side was born in Denmark. Every Christmas he would decorate the tree with Danish flags, and sing a song in Danish as we held hands around it. Nevertheless I consistently confuse this country with the Netherlands and Holland, and mix up Dutch and Danish.
The Netherlands
I think this is, like, a suburb of Denmark, with even more windmills and wooden shoes, and fewer hills. And lots of flowers. I think some famous painters and scientists are from here. The guy who discovered microbes I think? Oh crap is Amsterdam here? Did I screw that up? That's hideous. I’ll just move on…
Belgium
I know this is somewhere in Europe. Name vaguely rings a bell. Is Inspector Poirot from here? Is this where "Belgian waffles" were invented? Suddenly I am not very good at this.
Germany
Most of my knowledge about Germany is in the context of Word War II. Persecution of Jews, Third Reich, et cetera. A war machine of barbed wire and mud and gasoline, fueled by an angry eugenics ideology that was a response to the crushing reparations being paid by one generation of Germans for the sins of the previous generations in World War I. That stuff is pretty bleak.
Then there's this more modern view, where Germany is a clean, friendly place of rolling green hills and rugged mountains, where people are surprisingly nerdy about scientific research, alternative energies, outdoor adventure, and funky electronic music, and war has moved from the physical world to the less visceral world of finance. I imagine modern Germans spend half their time wearing white-collar work clothes in shiny university buildings, and the other half in hiking boots and cute little shorts, tromping around in alpine fields and making extremely sarcastic jokes to each other. I see their sense of humor as sharp, and their demeanor as friendly but emotionally aloof. A competitive nature?
Pop culture tells me they drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of sausage, but I can't quite imagine them doing it. Pop culture also tells me they are into edgy sexual stuff, but I've seen German porn, and frankly it's tame. There is one major difference though: All the women, and even many of the men, in German porn are actually smiling. In American porn everybody has an absurd game-face on that makes them look like they're either cleaning up an unpleasant spill, or asleep and snoring with their mouth open. Oh dear, how did I get on this topic? Let's stop.
I have a lot of German ancestry on my father's side, which is probably why most Germans look vaguely familiar to me, and I'm fascinated by the preserved "Brick Gothic" architecture in cities like Lübeck and the way it reminds me of childhood fairy-tales, but even so, Germany doesn't quite feel like a "homeland" for me, the way I feel about Denmark, eastern Russia, and bits of Ireland.
France
Ohooo! Ze land of croissants, accordions, contrarian political opinions, and casual rudeness. Joan Of Arc, Napoleon, Claude Monet. The epicenter for all things firmly European in my mind. To be French means to live a pastoral life centered around fresh produce, warm bread, full-fat milk, unfiltered olive oil, and a steady intake of wine. Your kids walk to school, your friends live right next door, your cat is black and skinny, and the few things you don’t make by hand you get by driving a microscopic little car to the corner store. The whole rest of the world does not exist at all except as vague images on the television.
Or, if you live in the big city, you have a tiny but extremely classy apartment with a planter box, up on the 5th floor of a building that was constructed at least 200 years before you were born. You work an unfulfilling job but make decent money thanks to government support, spend your afternoons at one of a rotating list of cafes, and just generally do not give even the slightest fuck about anything that isn't at least as French as you are. You are not exactly happy; instead what you feel is "ennui.” Even though Americans mock its people and politics to each other, France is where they all secretly wish they could retire.
Spain
The number one thing that comes to mind about Spain is the incredible cathedral that I absolutely must see. Also lots of classic “western” films were produced there. I imagine it as a weird cross between the rough, scrubby high desert of eastern Oregon and the gently rolling hills of Northern California wine country, dotted with small quiet towns built up around missionary-style churches, monasteries, and graveyards. I also picture North African and Middle-Eastern influences - a long-standing mix of cultures that has built a lively trade and travel industry. I suspect the Spanish are less subconsciously xenophobic and/or racist than any of the countries north of them in Europe.
Physically, I can’t decide if they look more like my Mexican immigrant friends, or more like the French. I could figure that out in a few minutes with Google Image search but that would ruin this exercise, right? I hear very little in the news about Spain, which leads me to think the country is less tumultuous than France or England, and that the people are less prone to do what the Germans, Swiss, and Danes do: Emotionally repress themselves, then direct that dissatisfaction into work and competition. Want to truly enjoy life? Be a Spaniard.
England
Unlike most other places in Europe, I know a whole mess of stuff about England. From contemporary culture bits like Brexit, Dr Who, Tony Blair, and The News Quiz, down through the 80’s comedy and music scenes, Thatcher, punks, World Wars, the Victorian era, the colonial conflicts with India, Australia, the Americas, and so on, through feudal times and the Viking and Roman invasions. Without reading labels, I can point on a map to Charles Darwin’s house, Douglas Adam’s grave, Terry Pratchett’s home town, King’s Cross station, St Pancras church, and the usual stuff like Big Ben, Stonehenge, and the Tower Of London. I know who Oliver Cromwell is and why he was beheaded. Most of my favorite authors are British. I can speak in really badly mangled versions of several regional accents. You get the idea.
I expect England to be divided into two experiences: The bustling, loud, dirty, complicated city of London and environs, and the pastoral, somewhat soggy terrain of the rest of the country, filled with unprepossessing locals who have bad teeth but great senses of humor. I strongly suspect that when I do actually visit, I’ll find that the charming regional accents have largely melted away, and that much of England looks like the Boston suburbs. But I won’t mind -- it’s the history and pastoral cuteness I’m after.
Ireland
Green and soggy like England, but without the tangled mess of a giant city splattered across it. I picture the Irish to be exactly like the British except with a thicker accent and more colloquialisms. Also more likely to drink and engage in fisticuffs and worry pointlessly about how manly they are. Also I bet I will find practically every woman there attractive just based on the accent alone.
I suspect the Irish have a subversive streak and this is why their economic and tax relationship with the EU is so strange. Ireland is to the UK as Tasmania is to Australia: Supposedly the same place to outsiders, but smaller, weirder, more dangerous, and harder to understand when you actually go there. Nevertheless I am keen to see all those castles, standing stones, burial mounds, and haunted moorlands, and learn their history, and stand dramatically at the top of those terribly romantic windswept cliffs and look smolderingly out to sea.
Switzerland
I sometimes mix this one up with Sweden. When I don’t, I remember it as the craggy broccoli head attached to the stalk of Italy. The defining image of Switzerland for me is a panorama of snow-capped mountains, heaped behind a grassy meadow dotted with wildflowers, and in the foreground is a stone bridge with a modern road across it, and a geometric pattern of bumps that are obviously land mines. Yes, the idea that Switzerland is ready to blow all its roads up in order to prevent a land invasion is the main way I understand the Swiss.
I see the Swiss as the Tolkien dwarves to Iceland’s elves: Wealthy, innovative, great trading partners, but a bit combative about their own superiority and ready to retreat back into the mountains at the first sign of trouble. Other things that come to mind: Clockwork, folding knives, ski lifts, dainty little cheeses, and banks that will happily cater to dictators and war criminals as long as their money’s good, matching the impenetrability of their geography with an impenetrable finance system to make the country into one giant bolt-hole for the rich.
Seems to me that this is mostly based on custom now though, what with the fact that modern warfare tools could render the whole place into a freezing prison for the locals, who would go from hydroelectric power and imported sushi to tallow candles and chasing sheep around the highlands with rocks in a matter of months. You can’t eat money!
Of course, I’m being unfair. These are all stereotypes. I also hear the country has top-notch social services, a great educational system, very low pollution, and a refreshingly liberal and relatively drama-free political scene. And of course some of the best winter sports around. I look forward to craning my neck at amazing scenery while snacking on little cheeses, as I pedal up into the clouds.
Austria
I know this is next to Switzerland, and that's the only reason I'd be able to find it on a map. I can't picture the shape in my mind. I assume the terrain is like Switzerland but not as rocky. A famous movie-star bodybuilder is from here. Is it all big muscular blond guys?
I think some big-name composers are from here too. I'm vaguely picturing castles and pipe organs. Is there an Austrian language, or do they just speak German? Wow, I suck. I'm going to give up and move on.
Hungary
I dated a girl in college who was from Hungary. A few times she talked to her mom over the phone while I was with her. The language sounded like complete gibberish. Her name had three consonants in a row, all of which were pronounced separately. That and her accent struck me as appallingly exotic.
20 years later, I still might fail to find her home country on a map, and I know bugger all about its history. That's deeply embarrassing.
Italy
Organized crime, Christianity, and Roman ruins. Shaped like a boot. Venice is here, slowly sinking into the water. I imagine Italy as a place of friction and passion, where gaping tourists collide with exasperated Italians all day long, across a landscape of gilded monuments and rolling vineyards in perpetual late-afternoon sunlight perfect for photography. Family names go back a thousand years, and are often anchored to a particular winery.
Italians are well-tailored, eat by candlelight, and have loud arguments in which they slap their hands on the table, rattling the dishes. All their food is the same colors as their flag. (Red, white, or green.) They have a love-hate relationship with technological progress, the church, tourism, and their own close-knit families. If you're a local, you never want to leave. If you're a visitor, you'll never be accepted. (Maybe your great grandchildren, if they make good wine.)
Greece
Myth and reality are hopelessly tangled for me here. When I think of Greece I think of fluffy white clouds filled with bickering gods, mountains littered with bones and pottery and shattered stone columns, bloodstained weapons, and the wine-dark sea. A rough, not particularly fertile landscape, occupied by a humanity whose purpose is mostly to be cannon fodder or confused bystanders while deities slug it out, above and below and among them.
My head is stuffed with rather a lot of info about Greek gods and heroes, actually. There's also some incidental knowledge about a financial crisis and a bailout, and an affection for "Greek food", like gyros and pita and feta cheese. And something about people gripping the four corners of a table with their teeth, and lifting it up? While singing and clapping? I think I actually saw that at a restaurant once in Santa Cruz...
Turkey
The most solid thing I can say overall about Turkey is that it's halfway in Europe, at most. I know about a wonderful historical site called Cappadocia, and I know that people in Turkey speak a mix of languages but mostly Turkish. I think the country is mostly dry and rugged. I expect that when - or if - I make landfall on Turkey, I will be entering a truly "foreign" country for the first time, and everything will get a lot harder.
Wow. That was all I had in my head, seven years ago. A lot has changed since then but it's mostly in the direction of "I know there's a lot I don't know."
In 2016, before I did most of my international travel, I tried to document my limited outlook, before all the research and exploration "ruined" it. I felt like I was a little more informed than my peers; but doesn't everyone? How would I know otherwise?
Perhaps these descriptions will sound eerily familiar if you’re a person with demographics similar to mine. Or even better: You can probably make a good guess at my time, location, appearance, age, gender, and so on just by pondering what things I’m ignorant of.
Iceland:
Iceland is a big ice-covered chunk of rock way up north, populated by a dangerously inbred collection of white people, all crammed into one large city, close to some killer geothermal pools that are probably very relaxing to sit in. Having nothing left to exploit on their rock in terms of natural resources and not much of a tourism draw, but consistently bearing the “right” skin color, hair color, and height for social navigation, they have naturally turned to banking and finance as the means to stay at first-world levels of comfort. From a sideways perspective this isn’t too far from the plundering behavior of their ancestors, just white collar instead of blue collar. Nobody does any crime because Iceland is too cold, but people struggle with depression a lot. This ironically makes Icelanders a very interesting and engaging people to talk to. This is also probably why they spawned Bjork. Occasionally their snow-covered rock explodes a little, dumping hot ash into the air and blocking the sun, and there is some fatalistic worry over this but eventually everyone goes back to ignoring it. Icelanders probably throw really cool parties. And hey, don’t hate them because they’re beautiful and smart. Do business with them instead. You’ll live longer.
Norway:
Norway is up at the top of Europe. I think it’s that big banana-shaped one. The capitol is Oslo but I only know that from playing Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego, and according to that game it has three buildings: A market, a library, and an airport. There’s lots of gorgeous fjords and spacious glaciers around, and everybody talks in a sing-songy voice and says “ya” randomly in conversations. It’s a nice place to live if you don’t mind the cold, ya.
If you don’t like hiking and skiing and you’re not a conservationist, what the hell are you doing in Norway? Get out before we throw you out, weirdo. Ya.
Finland
Sometimes I mix this one up with Sweden. Monty Python had a song about what a lovely tourist destination it was. Colder and more remote than Sweden but otherwise the same? I think Helsinki is here? Hmm... How do I know that? The Olympics? Carmen Sandiego?
Sweden:
I consistently confuse this country with Switzerland, just because of the name. Everyone in Sweden dresses like a lumberjack and has very strong opinions about woodcutting. The Swedes are very practical minded and take themselves way more seriously than everyone else does - much like Canadians.
Their biggest export - IKEA - is the result of mating their austere sense of interior design with their practical interest in conservation, and is only popular in the ‘states because they manage to make it fun to shop for cheap, fragile, angular shit that looks like shit when you put it together but is now the pride of your house because you went to all that trouble. Good news: When you want to sell your IKEA shelves you can get almost all your money back because of the labor invested in them, but if you can’t find a buyer, you set them on the curb and after 24 hours of exposure to wind and humidity they look like trash. That’s OK, it was just 20 bucks.
The Swedes make up for their stoic nature by absolutely freaking wailing in heavy metal bands; like, oh my god did you hear that guitar solo? That was brutal!! I swear he had his eyes shut the entire time, he was leaning back like, YAAAAAAAA, and it was all CHOOM CHOOM DEEDLY DEEDLY...
Denmark:
Everything I know about this place - which is practically nothing - came from the movie Pinocchio, and the “Small World” ride at Disneyland. I imagine hills of rolling green punctuated by gaily painted windmills and clusters of fluffy sheep, tended by Julie Andrews doppelgängers wearing long dresses and enormous wooden shoes. The weather is unrealistically warm, everyone has a bicycle, and no one gives a crap about anything happening outside Denmark, because it sucks out there anyway, right?
Oh and there’s Amsterdam, which is full of dope and whores, and everybody thinks that’s the coolest thing ever, apparently. (Mumbai has way, way more dope and whores in it but they’re not Danish so no one cares.) This really doesn’t square with the Disney image I have of the rest of the country. Hmmm.
I’m certain I have relatives in Denmark. My grandfather on my mother‘s side was born in Denmark. Every Christmas he would decorate the tree with Danish flags, and sing a song in Danish as we held hands around it. Nevertheless I consistently confuse this country with the Netherlands and Holland, and mix up Dutch and Danish.
The Netherlands
I think this is, like, a suburb of Denmark, with even more windmills and wooden shoes, and fewer hills. And lots of flowers. I think some famous painters and scientists are from here. The guy who discovered microbes I think? Oh crap is Amsterdam here? Did I screw that up? That's hideous. I’ll just move on…
Belgium
I know this is somewhere in Europe. Name vaguely rings a bell. Is Inspector Poirot from here? Is this where "Belgian waffles" were invented? Suddenly I am not very good at this.
Germany
Most of my knowledge about Germany is in the context of Word War II. Persecution of Jews, Third Reich, et cetera. A war machine of barbed wire and mud and gasoline, fueled by an angry eugenics ideology that was a response to the crushing reparations being paid by one generation of Germans for the sins of the previous generations in World War I. That stuff is pretty bleak.
Then there's this more modern view, where Germany is a clean, friendly place of rolling green hills and rugged mountains, where people are surprisingly nerdy about scientific research, alternative energies, outdoor adventure, and funky electronic music, and war has moved from the physical world to the less visceral world of finance. I imagine modern Germans spend half their time wearing white-collar work clothes in shiny university buildings, and the other half in hiking boots and cute little shorts, tromping around in alpine fields and making extremely sarcastic jokes to each other. I see their sense of humor as sharp, and their demeanor as friendly but emotionally aloof. A competitive nature?
Pop culture tells me they drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of sausage, but I can't quite imagine them doing it. Pop culture also tells me they are into edgy sexual stuff, but I've seen German porn, and frankly it's tame. There is one major difference though: All the women, and even many of the men, in German porn are actually smiling. In American porn everybody has an absurd game-face on that makes them look like they're either cleaning up an unpleasant spill, or asleep and snoring with their mouth open. Oh dear, how did I get on this topic? Let's stop.
I have a lot of German ancestry on my father's side, which is probably why most Germans look vaguely familiar to me, and I'm fascinated by the preserved "Brick Gothic" architecture in cities like Lübeck and the way it reminds me of childhood fairy-tales, but even so, Germany doesn't quite feel like a "homeland" for me, the way I feel about Denmark, eastern Russia, and bits of Ireland.
France
Ohooo! Ze land of croissants, accordions, contrarian political opinions, and casual rudeness. Joan Of Arc, Napoleon, Claude Monet. The epicenter for all things firmly European in my mind. To be French means to live a pastoral life centered around fresh produce, warm bread, full-fat milk, unfiltered olive oil, and a steady intake of wine. Your kids walk to school, your friends live right next door, your cat is black and skinny, and the few things you don’t make by hand you get by driving a microscopic little car to the corner store. The whole rest of the world does not exist at all except as vague images on the television.
Or, if you live in the big city, you have a tiny but extremely classy apartment with a planter box, up on the 5th floor of a building that was constructed at least 200 years before you were born. You work an unfulfilling job but make decent money thanks to government support, spend your afternoons at one of a rotating list of cafes, and just generally do not give even the slightest fuck about anything that isn't at least as French as you are. You are not exactly happy; instead what you feel is "ennui.” Even though Americans mock its people and politics to each other, France is where they all secretly wish they could retire.
Spain
The number one thing that comes to mind about Spain is the incredible cathedral that I absolutely must see. Also lots of classic “western” films were produced there. I imagine it as a weird cross between the rough, scrubby high desert of eastern Oregon and the gently rolling hills of Northern California wine country, dotted with small quiet towns built up around missionary-style churches, monasteries, and graveyards. I also picture North African and Middle-Eastern influences - a long-standing mix of cultures that has built a lively trade and travel industry. I suspect the Spanish are less subconsciously xenophobic and/or racist than any of the countries north of them in Europe.
Physically, I can’t decide if they look more like my Mexican immigrant friends, or more like the French. I could figure that out in a few minutes with Google Image search but that would ruin this exercise, right? I hear very little in the news about Spain, which leads me to think the country is less tumultuous than France or England, and that the people are less prone to do what the Germans, Swiss, and Danes do: Emotionally repress themselves, then direct that dissatisfaction into work and competition. Want to truly enjoy life? Be a Spaniard.
England
Unlike most other places in Europe, I know a whole mess of stuff about England. From contemporary culture bits like Brexit, Dr Who, Tony Blair, and The News Quiz, down through the 80’s comedy and music scenes, Thatcher, punks, World Wars, the Victorian era, the colonial conflicts with India, Australia, the Americas, and so on, through feudal times and the Viking and Roman invasions. Without reading labels, I can point on a map to Charles Darwin’s house, Douglas Adam’s grave, Terry Pratchett’s home town, King’s Cross station, St Pancras church, and the usual stuff like Big Ben, Stonehenge, and the Tower Of London. I know who Oliver Cromwell is and why he was beheaded. Most of my favorite authors are British. I can speak in really badly mangled versions of several regional accents. You get the idea.
I expect England to be divided into two experiences: The bustling, loud, dirty, complicated city of London and environs, and the pastoral, somewhat soggy terrain of the rest of the country, filled with unprepossessing locals who have bad teeth but great senses of humor. I strongly suspect that when I do actually visit, I’ll find that the charming regional accents have largely melted away, and that much of England looks like the Boston suburbs. But I won’t mind -- it’s the history and pastoral cuteness I’m after.
Ireland
Green and soggy like England, but without the tangled mess of a giant city splattered across it. I picture the Irish to be exactly like the British except with a thicker accent and more colloquialisms. Also more likely to drink and engage in fisticuffs and worry pointlessly about how manly they are. Also I bet I will find practically every woman there attractive just based on the accent alone.
I suspect the Irish have a subversive streak and this is why their economic and tax relationship with the EU is so strange. Ireland is to the UK as Tasmania is to Australia: Supposedly the same place to outsiders, but smaller, weirder, more dangerous, and harder to understand when you actually go there. Nevertheless I am keen to see all those castles, standing stones, burial mounds, and haunted moorlands, and learn their history, and stand dramatically at the top of those terribly romantic windswept cliffs and look smolderingly out to sea.
Switzerland
I sometimes mix this one up with Sweden. When I don’t, I remember it as the craggy broccoli head attached to the stalk of Italy. The defining image of Switzerland for me is a panorama of snow-capped mountains, heaped behind a grassy meadow dotted with wildflowers, and in the foreground is a stone bridge with a modern road across it, and a geometric pattern of bumps that are obviously land mines. Yes, the idea that Switzerland is ready to blow all its roads up in order to prevent a land invasion is the main way I understand the Swiss.
I see the Swiss as the Tolkien dwarves to Iceland’s elves: Wealthy, innovative, great trading partners, but a bit combative about their own superiority and ready to retreat back into the mountains at the first sign of trouble. Other things that come to mind: Clockwork, folding knives, ski lifts, dainty little cheeses, and banks that will happily cater to dictators and war criminals as long as their money’s good, matching the impenetrability of their geography with an impenetrable finance system to make the country into one giant bolt-hole for the rich.
Seems to me that this is mostly based on custom now though, what with the fact that modern warfare tools could render the whole place into a freezing prison for the locals, who would go from hydroelectric power and imported sushi to tallow candles and chasing sheep around the highlands with rocks in a matter of months. You can’t eat money!
Of course, I’m being unfair. These are all stereotypes. I also hear the country has top-notch social services, a great educational system, very low pollution, and a refreshingly liberal and relatively drama-free political scene. And of course some of the best winter sports around. I look forward to craning my neck at amazing scenery while snacking on little cheeses, as I pedal up into the clouds.
Austria
I know this is next to Switzerland, and that's the only reason I'd be able to find it on a map. I can't picture the shape in my mind. I assume the terrain is like Switzerland but not as rocky. A famous movie-star bodybuilder is from here. Is it all big muscular blond guys?
I think some big-name composers are from here too. I'm vaguely picturing castles and pipe organs. Is there an Austrian language, or do they just speak German? Wow, I suck. I'm going to give up and move on.
Hungary
I dated a girl in college who was from Hungary. A few times she talked to her mom over the phone while I was with her. The language sounded like complete gibberish. Her name had three consonants in a row, all of which were pronounced separately. That and her accent struck me as appallingly exotic.
20 years later, I still might fail to find her home country on a map, and I know bugger all about its history. That's deeply embarrassing.
Italy
Organized crime, Christianity, and Roman ruins. Shaped like a boot. Venice is here, slowly sinking into the water. I imagine Italy as a place of friction and passion, where gaping tourists collide with exasperated Italians all day long, across a landscape of gilded monuments and rolling vineyards in perpetual late-afternoon sunlight perfect for photography. Family names go back a thousand years, and are often anchored to a particular winery.
Italians are well-tailored, eat by candlelight, and have loud arguments in which they slap their hands on the table, rattling the dishes. All their food is the same colors as their flag. (Red, white, or green.) They have a love-hate relationship with technological progress, the church, tourism, and their own close-knit families. If you're a local, you never want to leave. If you're a visitor, you'll never be accepted. (Maybe your great grandchildren, if they make good wine.)
Greece
Myth and reality are hopelessly tangled for me here. When I think of Greece I think of fluffy white clouds filled with bickering gods, mountains littered with bones and pottery and shattered stone columns, bloodstained weapons, and the wine-dark sea. A rough, not particularly fertile landscape, occupied by a humanity whose purpose is mostly to be cannon fodder or confused bystanders while deities slug it out, above and below and among them.
My head is stuffed with rather a lot of info about Greek gods and heroes, actually. There's also some incidental knowledge about a financial crisis and a bailout, and an affection for "Greek food", like gyros and pita and feta cheese. And something about people gripping the four corners of a table with their teeth, and lifting it up? While singing and clapping? I think I actually saw that at a restaurant once in Santa Cruz...
Turkey
The most solid thing I can say overall about Turkey is that it's halfway in Europe, at most. I know about a wonderful historical site called Cappadocia, and I know that people in Turkey speak a mix of languages but mostly Turkish. I think the country is mostly dry and rugged. I expect that when - or if - I make landfall on Turkey, I will be entering a truly "foreign" country for the first time, and everything will get a lot harder.
Wow. That was all I had in my head, seven years ago. A lot has changed since then but it's mostly in the direction of "I know there's a lot I don't know."
(no subject)
Date: 12/12/23 19:05 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 12/12/23 20:43 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 13/12/23 05:27 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 13/12/23 20:16 (UTC)Nowadays they might do a little better with Ukraine... But Bulgaria, Hungary, Romania, Serbia, Slovenia, Croatia, Albania, Slovakia, Moldova... They're, "I dunno, somewhere east of Italy?" They'd also try and throw Latvia, Estonia, etc in there.
(no subject)
Date: 13/12/23 19:15 (UTC)