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talkpoliticsThe 35 million people in the corridor from Philadelphia to Boston are living in panic of news reports of a snowstorm of historic proportions. Reporters are falling all over themselves to outdo their breathless coverage of last weekend's four inches, as the region now expects at least 24 inches.
The region is a small minority of the U.S. population, but a large majority of the management of the television networks, and its location on the East Coast means it is the site of all America's East Coast newspapers. Readers expecting relief on these pages will be disappointed, as the snowbound region is an even more infinitesmal part of the worldwide readership, but comprises a full 100% of editorial management [citation needed!!1!]. Thus, it is natural to treat the routine storm as the world's leading story, with irresponsible hyperbole. Executive producers far and wide have defended the decision to plaster the story on their front pages over changes of government in Greece, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen, and several inspiring selfies taken by President Obama, with the rationale that "It is what people want to read".
The "mainstream media" reported Monday's flurries and Tuesday's predicted blizzard as a storm "growing exponentially," which implies that the 1 and 10 inches of snow will be followed by 100 on Wednesday, and so on until it causes the moon to make snow butterflies as it orbits the earth. Wire services had gavel-to-gavel coverage of snow blowing sideways; but unfortunately, not yet upside-down, which might take some of the huge snowbanks back to the heavens where they belong.
Aware that snowstorms can make or break politicians, mayors declared emergencies and shutdowns. "This will be one of the largest blizzards in history," said New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, adeptly using vague superlatives to position himself for the 2016 Primary in the state of Bloviation, while allowing his sign-language interpreter to steal the show. He told New Yorkers to "make smart decisions from this point on."
Here then, are some helpful tips for victims of this terrifying and unprecedented storm:
- Do not travel anywhere. Instead, stay indoors, and stare at the walls. When the lights go out, try to visualize where the walls were and what they looked like. Especially avoid walking into them.
- Bring pets indoors. They were not made to endure gale-force winds and driving snow, furry or not. If you see squirrels, muskrats, deer, bears, and moose, bring them into the house too. The larger species, including any farm animals you may have, can ride out the storm in the basement or family room.
- Do not cook with electricity, if you have electricity, because it is dangerous. If lighting a cooking fire in the kitchen sink, be sure all the windows are closed, so that the wind does not whip the flames.
- Most importantly, stay tuned. Turn all your radios on and tune them to different stations, so that you can get emergency updates from any source. Press F5 frantically to see any additional online recommendations as soon as they are issued. Together, we can get through this storm and get "back to normal."
Above all, do not try to dig your own way out of the blizzard. Wait for trained professionals to arrive.
The region is a small minority of the U.S. population, but a large majority of the management of the television networks, and its location on the East Coast means it is the site of all America's East Coast newspapers. Readers expecting relief on these pages will be disappointed, as the snowbound region is an even more infinitesmal part of the worldwide readership, but comprises a full 100% of editorial management [citation needed!!1!]. Thus, it is natural to treat the routine storm as the world's leading story, with irresponsible hyperbole. Executive producers far and wide have defended the decision to plaster the story on their front pages over changes of government in Greece, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen, and several inspiring selfies taken by President Obama, with the rationale that "It is what people want to read".
The "mainstream media" reported Monday's flurries and Tuesday's predicted blizzard as a storm "growing exponentially," which implies that the 1 and 10 inches of snow will be followed by 100 on Wednesday, and so on until it causes the moon to make snow butterflies as it orbits the earth. Wire services had gavel-to-gavel coverage of snow blowing sideways; but unfortunately, not yet upside-down, which might take some of the huge snowbanks back to the heavens where they belong.
Aware that snowstorms can make or break politicians, mayors declared emergencies and shutdowns. "This will be one of the largest blizzards in history," said New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, adeptly using vague superlatives to position himself for the 2016 Primary in the state of Bloviation, while allowing his sign-language interpreter to steal the show. He told New Yorkers to "make smart decisions from this point on."
Here then, are some helpful tips for victims of this terrifying and unprecedented storm:
- Do not travel anywhere. Instead, stay indoors, and stare at the walls. When the lights go out, try to visualize where the walls were and what they looked like. Especially avoid walking into them.
- Bring pets indoors. They were not made to endure gale-force winds and driving snow, furry or not. If you see squirrels, muskrats, deer, bears, and moose, bring them into the house too. The larger species, including any farm animals you may have, can ride out the storm in the basement or family room.
- Do not cook with electricity, if you have electricity, because it is dangerous. If lighting a cooking fire in the kitchen sink, be sure all the windows are closed, so that the wind does not whip the flames.
- Most importantly, stay tuned. Turn all your radios on and tune them to different stations, so that you can get emergency updates from any source. Press F5 frantically to see any additional online recommendations as soon as they are issued. Together, we can get through this storm and get "back to normal."
Above all, do not try to dig your own way out of the blizzard. Wait for trained professionals to arrive.
(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:19 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:21 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:22 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:22 (UTC)You can get glitter pills for your poop (http://www.inquisitr.com/1695768/etsy-selling-pills-that-will-let-you-poop-glitter-just-in-time-for-christmas/), so they got everything covered now.
(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:25 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/1/15 19:27 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 31/1/15 04:20 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 31/1/15 05:39 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 31/1/15 12:15 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 31/1/15 19:20 (UTC)