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talkpoliticsNew Rome, United States of Earth. All the Saints, as well as most Biblical characters, will be given new, much more exciting names, so that religion could stir greater interest among the children, and gain more followers, The Vatican UNobserver reports, citing Groper Magazine. Also, many stories in the Old and New Testament (at least those that matter) will be modernized and embroidered, an official announcement came from a group of priests who, miraculously, were not occupied with young boys at the moment.
"Clearly, we need to update the Bible. It was more than 200 years ago that it was re-written for the last time. We have to include some new miracles that would amaze today's youth. Because no one is moved any more by the prospect of feeding a bunch of hungry folks with just 5 breads, or something like that", an American priest said, while fixing the negligee robe back on his shoulder and wiping traces of boy's lipstick from his cheek.
Some of the new Saints include St Rob Pattinson, protector of the Undead; St Copypasta of Silicon Valley, and St Five-Bucks, the patron saint of Commerce. Meanwhile, the icons of St Peter all around the world will be renovated, to depict the effigy of St Peter Griffin of Family Guy who's much more popular nowadays. And Jesus Christ will be represented as an African American a.k.a. Black Jayzus, to celebrate Equality, Fraternity & Diversity™.
The task of re-branding Christianity will be assigned to a horde of PR experts from Holy Wood, especially the advertisement geniuses who made the brilliant Guinness campaign, the 1992 Talens Rubber Cement commercial, and of course those godless heathen gurus from Warner Bros who made the Harry Potter series, the latter being meant as a symbolic gesture of reconciliation between Wicca and Christianity. ("We wouldn't have burned all those witches if they hadn't turned folks into newts").
Meanwhile,
Liberopolis, Dimokratiki prefecture, Ancient Greece. A popular poll among all citizens of Earth could determine which will be the one and only Deception Delivering Moral and Life Values to the Ignorant and Gullible Masses at Difficult Times and Simple Answers to Complicated Questions™, a.k.a. Relidjunn, from this day onward and forever and ever, till the End of Times, or till we run out of freedom fries.
"We're fed up with all this diversity. It's so confusing! We're supposed to be kind to all people, to redistribute all our possessions, to be humble and not to succumb to extreme materialism. So it's simple: we vote for leaders all around the democratic world, so why not choose one God for all, and impose Him on everybody like the civilized people do?", religious leaders from around the world pleaded. And they do have a point! After all, everybody wants to stop wasting precious time which they could've spent sitting in their armchairs and drinking beer with their cousin, munching popcorn and watching the football game and exercising their latest repertoir of juicy curses.
But some remain sceptical. "But what about atheists? Now we'll have to bicker about them till Kingdom Come. Let's first have a referendum and see if we are to have a God at all. Or, if we allow agnosticism, we could put "some kind of deity" on the ballot, while sparing ourselves all that incense and stuff. Hmmm, we'll have to figure this out somehow".
One thing is certain, though. The results from the worldwide referendum will be 100% objective, because if there is indeed a God, surely He'll be able to fix the poll in such a way as to prevent the occurrence of a statistically significant representation of infidels. And if there isn't one, well...
Speaking of churches,
1 Putinka Str, New Stalingrad, Moscow Oblast, Soviet Fascist Oligarchist Federation. A Russian punk band of girls who were recently sentenced to 2 years in prison for non-violent full-contact hooliganism, tresspassing in a state-owned church without dropping a coin in the machine at the entrance and showing their ankles to nuns, and spreading religious hatred by begging Virgin Mary to rid their nation of its beloved Dear Leader, have announced that from this day onwards they'll be called Vladimir's Pussy Riot. And after their time in prison, they're planning to transform themselves into a church choir, to redeem their honor. In fact their first rehearsal is this next Monday.
"They call us Pussy Riot, and the media are constantly putting us against Putin. It's all a lie! Look, we bear his name now! Because we adore him sooo much. We're not angry for the sentence we receieved, we'll be strong and we'll serve our time, while preserving our chastity behind bars and singing hymns in Dear Leader's praise!", martyrs for freedom™, Nadezhda, Ekaterina and Maria told The KGB Pravda.
As we know, the musicians were convicted on charges of playing the crappiest music since Vladimir Vysotsky. This caused a huge outcry throughout the free world, proving that mediocre pseudo-music is still very much alive and kicking. The latter, quite literally.
In other news, UK has decided to donate the building of the Ecuadorean embassy to the US military by the end of the week, as a gesture ofsubmission solidarity with Realpolitik Freedomdom & Democracycy™, and as an attempt to piss off Julian Assange, because of their millenium-old grudge to pale silver-haired douchebags, which they've been holding ever since the reign of Edward II.
"Clearly, we need to update the Bible. It was more than 200 years ago that it was re-written for the last time. We have to include some new miracles that would amaze today's youth. Because no one is moved any more by the prospect of feeding a bunch of hungry folks with just 5 breads, or something like that", an American priest said, while fixing the negligee robe back on his shoulder and wiping traces of boy's lipstick from his cheek.
Some of the new Saints include St Rob Pattinson, protector of the Undead; St Copypasta of Silicon Valley, and St Five-Bucks, the patron saint of Commerce. Meanwhile, the icons of St Peter all around the world will be renovated, to depict the effigy of St Peter Griffin of Family Guy who's much more popular nowadays. And Jesus Christ will be represented as an African American a.k.a. Black Jayzus, to celebrate Equality, Fraternity & Diversity™.
The task of re-branding Christianity will be assigned to a horde of PR experts from Holy Wood, especially the advertisement geniuses who made the brilliant Guinness campaign, the 1992 Talens Rubber Cement commercial, and of course those godless heathen gurus from Warner Bros who made the Harry Potter series, the latter being meant as a symbolic gesture of reconciliation between Wicca and Christianity. ("We wouldn't have burned all those witches if they hadn't turned folks into newts").
Meanwhile,
Liberopolis, Dimokratiki prefecture, Ancient Greece. A popular poll among all citizens of Earth could determine which will be the one and only Deception Delivering Moral and Life Values to the Ignorant and Gullible Masses at Difficult Times and Simple Answers to Complicated Questions™, a.k.a. Relidjunn, from this day onward and forever and ever, till the End of Times, or till we run out of freedom fries.
"We're fed up with all this diversity. It's so confusing! We're supposed to be kind to all people, to redistribute all our possessions, to be humble and not to succumb to extreme materialism. So it's simple: we vote for leaders all around the democratic world, so why not choose one God for all, and impose Him on everybody like the civilized people do?", religious leaders from around the world pleaded. And they do have a point! After all, everybody wants to stop wasting precious time which they could've spent sitting in their armchairs and drinking beer with their cousin, munching popcorn and watching the football game and exercising their latest repertoir of juicy curses.
But some remain sceptical. "But what about atheists? Now we'll have to bicker about them till Kingdom Come. Let's first have a referendum and see if we are to have a God at all. Or, if we allow agnosticism, we could put "some kind of deity" on the ballot, while sparing ourselves all that incense and stuff. Hmmm, we'll have to figure this out somehow".
One thing is certain, though. The results from the worldwide referendum will be 100% objective, because if there is indeed a God, surely He'll be able to fix the poll in such a way as to prevent the occurrence of a statistically significant representation of infidels. And if there isn't one, well...
Speaking of churches,
1 Putinka Str, New Stalingrad, Moscow Oblast, Soviet Fascist Oligarchist Federation. A Russian punk band of girls who were recently sentenced to 2 years in prison for non-violent full-contact hooliganism, tresspassing in a state-owned church without dropping a coin in the machine at the entrance and showing their ankles to nuns, and spreading religious hatred by begging Virgin Mary to rid their nation of its beloved Dear Leader, have announced that from this day onwards they'll be called Vladimir's Pussy Riot. And after their time in prison, they're planning to transform themselves into a church choir, to redeem their honor. In fact their first rehearsal is this next Monday.
"They call us Pussy Riot, and the media are constantly putting us against Putin. It's all a lie! Look, we bear his name now! Because we adore him sooo much. We're not angry for the sentence we receieved, we'll be strong and we'll serve our time, while preserving our chastity behind bars and singing hymns in Dear Leader's praise!", martyrs for freedom™, Nadezhda, Ekaterina and Maria told The KGB Pravda.
As we know, the musicians were convicted on charges of playing the crappiest music since Vladimir Vysotsky. This caused a huge outcry throughout the free world, proving that mediocre pseudo-music is still very much alive and kicking. The latter, quite literally.
In other news, UK has decided to donate the building of the Ecuadorean embassy to the US military by the end of the week, as a gesture of
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Date: 18/8/12 15:36 (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 18/8/12 20:04 (UTC)You know, that reminds me of...
"Putinka. All roads are open".
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Date: 18/8/12 20:05 (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 18/8/12 21:55 (UTC)Good luck, girls...
And Visotsky's music was pretty awesome! Especially if you understand the lyrics.
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Date: 20/8/12 17:10 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 20/8/12 20:14 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 21/8/12 15:22 (UTC)BTW, have you heard that a Japanese firm has come up with a camera for taking sacred portraits?
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Date: 21/8/12 16:25 (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 21/8/12 17:23 (UTC)