Conservation of self worth.(pt 1)

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

When I was 8 years old I wanted to be Batman when I grew up.

My second choice of career was to be an Astronaut and/or Rocket Scientist, and my third choice was to fly helicopters.

It was this third option that drove me to volunteer for one of the most water intensive programs in the US Military, despite not knowing how to swim.

My Drill instructors thought it was a joke and everyone else just thought I was crazy. All I knew was that getting picked up for one of the "Special Programs" (USSOCOM) was the only way a clumsy white-trash teenager with mediocre test scores would ever get to fly.

And thus began my "candidacy phase".

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

These words were stenciled on the wall of the Canidate's the locker room, I felt that they had been put there specifically to taunt me. "Yah right!" I remember thinking, "If I were powerful beyond measure I'd be waltzing without a care, as it is I'll be lucky to last a week. Fuck you mr. motivational stencil putter-upper"

2.5 months later I graduated. (In the interim I had learned to swim.)

After graduation I was approached by one of my classmates. She thanked me for being an inspiration, and explained how in the early weeks of training she had considered dropping out, but that watching me drown every morning convinced her that if I was in such poor shape and could "gut it out" then so could she.

This threw me for a loop. I politely excused myself, went to the locker room and tried to reconcile what had just happened.

I was weak, petty, and kind of a jerk.
I wasn't strong or capable, I was just a stubborn asshole.
I had no buisiness inspiring anyone.
It had to be some kind of mistake.

...and then it hit me.

I had joined the Navy not knowing how to swim but in a few weeks I would be designated as a Rescue Swimmer and on my way to flight school. I had overcome all obsticals thus far and staring me in the face was that godamn motivational stencil. ...we are powerful beyond measure.

and in that moment I understood.

I was powerful beyond measure. Everything that happened to me from that day forward would be my fault and my fault alone.

It was a deeply frightening thought.

...and depending on who you ask I just haven't been right in the head since.

Comments

[luzribeiro.livejournal.com]

This is interesting.

Cut?...

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Done, and yes it's a set up for something.

[luzribeiro.livejournal.com]

Yep, I noticed. It keeps the suspense. I like action series!

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Well yes, that's a rather common bit of human superstition which neatly contains an otherwise chaotic world into one bit of sheer willful assertion.

[abomvubuso.livejournal.com]

Collapse of the wave function?

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

It's the same psychological root of conspiracy thinking. You can either believe that the world is a rational, if evil, place of powerful plans and omniscient directors, or you can just think you're that powerful vector of nihilistic will. Either way, dealing with the fact that you might just end up another dead statistic in a tragic sidewalk accident with a rabid raccoon and a skateboard is a difficult prospect to contend with. By "taking responsibility", you endow yourself with a sense of power, rather than just being a random bit of biological material bouncing around a globe.

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Uli doesn't care about anything. He's a Nihilist.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Who's Uli?

[kylinrouge.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but I would've really liked if he answered your reply.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Big Lebowski?

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Uli is a character from the Big Lebowski. Whenever someone gives the whole "random bits of biological material" spiel he's the image that comes to mind.

[policraticus.livejournal.com]

Uli Kunkol? Her co-star in the beaver picture?

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Ya, the lead Nihlist

[policraticus.livejournal.com]

Nihilists? Fuck me. Say what you want about the tenants of National Socialism, Dude, but at least it's an ethos!

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

No hostage no ransom, them's the rules.

[policraticus.livejournal.com]

We fuck you up. We take ze money.

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

biological material bouncing around a globe

Really don't know what to reply to. Does he want me to say? That life has meaning?

If he feels that human life is meaningless or valueless he's got bigger issues than I am prepared to tackle.

[policraticus.livejournal.com]

That is so disappointing.

[gunslnger.livejournal.com]

So, are you responsible for your actions or not?

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Yes, why do you ask?

[gunslnger.livejournal.com]

Just curious.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

And I've never really understood the whole "overcoming obstacles" thing. I'm terrified of heights, always will be, no matter how much I was made to rappel or climb or assault on/over/through a cliff face. And, thankfully by dear God in His infinite Grace, I'll never have to dangle from a rope in a position God never intended man to be in in the first place. Good riddance.

Look, I know, you learned how to swim, and the world is your oyster now. But really, you just learned how to swim. That's all there is to it.

[gunslnger.livejournal.com]

Is being afraid of heights a problem for you? Would you want to not be afraid of heights?

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

I think being afraid of heights is exactly the proper and rational response to such things.

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

...until you find yourself in a situation where the ability to climb is advantageous.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

What am I, a mountain goat seeking escape from a lioness?

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

That or working for the telephone company

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Oh great, heights and electricity. Sign me up, crazy man!

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Those crazy-men are what allow you to make snide comments over the internet. :)

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Oh really? My God, I had no idea.

[geezer-also.livejournal.com]

This is one of those times when you speak truth (and I say that after having been a roofer for 40 years.)

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

You're right the only thing that really changed was my outlook and in the grand scheme of things one man's outlook is pretty trivial.

That said, I read your reply and I think that if the entire population shared your attitude hmanity would have never come down out of the trees.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Ooooo-k. Well I'll let you handle the sweeping historical pronouncements. Good thing we're not limited to having humanity be of one type or the other!

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Well what do you want me to say?

Right now your only point seems to be that "Nothing Matters"

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

I want you to say, "My personal legendarium is seeking validation. I do not need validation. I am good, beautiful, special, and people like me."

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

...and I'd be lying.

[yes-justice.livejournal.com]

atching me drown every morning convinced her that if I was in such poor shape and could "gut it out" then so could she.

I lol'd.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

When you teach kids boxing, knock them out! ;-)

No false pride, no undue shame.

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Is the objective to teach or to fight? cause if its the form KOs are counter productive.

[yes-justice.livejournal.com]

My father explained it like this: "Someday you will be strong enough to knock me out so I am getting mine in while I can"

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

Heh

In regards to the drowning part.

That was no joke, durring our first drown proofing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drownproofing) session I sank like a rock and had to be rescued by the instructor.

Apparently I was one of the first canidates in years to not ring the bell immediately afterwards.

[kylinrouge.livejournal.com]

I don't know what this has to do with politics, but anyhow I'm glad you learned personal responsibility!

[foreverbeach.livejournal.com]

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

[luvdovz.livejournal.com]

And I thought we'd be talking about black helicopters...

[sandwichwarrior.livejournal.com]

They're not black, they're very dark green, and I signed a non-disclosure agreement.

[kayjayuu.livejournal.com]

Wish you coulda stopped them from hovering over my house in the middle of nowhere for an hour at a time. My congressman had to do it.

[3fgburner.livejournal.com]

Heh. Try getting pretend-strafed by a flight of Apaches, while at a large medieval gathering.

[mahnmut.livejournal.com]

Nah, just a Bohemian Grove gathering (http://www.freewebs.com/verum-petoer/annals_bohemian_grove_01.jpg).

[3fgburner.livejournal.com]

Ah, but in my case, it really happened. Not my video, I was north of where this was shot: http://youtu.be/MrV6-hExEVE

The strafing runs were, in part, our (meaning the Pennsic cannon crew) fault. We were about to fire the guns to finish the Woods Battle, and the birds flew over just as we lit them off.