Seeing as it is Friday Lulz...

[mintogrubb.livejournal.com]

I send the following communique - and I think it's only fair that citizens of other countries are entitled to send similar documents. So, if a UN resolution were passed allowing for 'regime change ' in any country of your choice - who would be affected, and what would you have the Declaration say.

To start the ball rolling , here is one that got made earlier, in true 'Blue Peter' fashion.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Any more takers, folks ?

Comments

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

I fully support the decision not to include Kansas! It is a holy theocracy presided over by His Holiness the High Priest of Jayzus™ Sam Brownback and thus is a direct earthly province of the Kingdom of Heaven, unfit to be ruled by some mere mortal monarch!

OK, I'll play

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

The United Nations Assembly,

Acknowledging the striving of the Roma ethnicity for the freedom of self-determination,

Recognizing the systematic failure of European states to integrate the Roma ethnicity into their societies,

Considering the systematic abuse of the Roma ethnicity by both bureaucratic institutions and local populaces alike, and,

Noting the dire need of the Republic of Greece for financial resources at a time of crisis...


Hereby expropriates the region of Thráki (Western Thrace), consisting of the prefectures of Xanthi, Rhodope and Evros,


(location of Thráki region)

Separates the above described territory from the sovereign jurisdiction of the Republic of Greece,

Puts the region of Thráki under the special mandate of the United Nations,

Grants the region of Thráki autonomy, in return for the amount of 50,000,000,000 $ (fifty billion US dollars) for the government of the Republic of Greece, and,

Donates the region of Thráki to all citizens of Europe and the Middle East, who are of Roma origin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romani_people),

Granting them the complete freedom to make arrangements towards the establishment of a sovereign state, with all the respective state institutions, founding documents, and defense forces.


(Roma flag)

The UN Security Council and NATO hereby guarantee the protection of the borders of the thus established Republic of Gypsiania, and will contribute to the formation of the defense forces of the newly established state;

The EU, IMF and World Bank hereby guarantee a 10-year loan with 0% interest for the Republic of Gypsiania, aimed at aiding the newly established state in establishing a viable economy;

The long-term goals in front of the Republic of Gypsiania shall include: full UN membership; full EU membership; full NATO membership; a peaceful and harmonious cohabitation and political and economic cooperation with its neighbors.


The United Nations Assembly would like to express its gratitude to the Republic of Greece for donating the region of Thráki, and wishes good luck to the Republic of Gypsiania and its citizens.

Re: OK, I'll play

[mintogrubb.livejournal.com]

this one is made of Win. Shame it is too long for a DQ.

Re: OK, I'll play

[mahnmut.livejournal.com]

A two-state solution, eh?

Re: OK, I'll play

[luvdovz.livejournal.com]

[telemann.livejournal.com]

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

I will also say that the British assertion that "soccer" is the only real "football" and that American "football" should not be called "football" and "soccer" is actually "football" is as patently ridiculous as scrapping the last Royal Navy fleet carriers without suitable replacements and even calling the new Invincible class ships "helicopter-carrying cruisers" to avoid the very mention of the word "carrier" because of some scorchingly douchtacular MoD nonsense that severely reduced Britain's power-projection capabilities at the height of the Cold War and even now the two planned state-of-the-art new carriers of the Queen Elizabeth class might never actually enter service and holy shit, people, what the fuck, are you going to let France outpace you altogether in naval power-projection capabilities, France, which built Charles de Gaulle, a carrier that can't even reach 30 knots on freaking nuclear power and fucked-up its propellers so badly during sea trials that the comparatively ancient spare props from Foch and Clemenceau had to be used, and even when they got new props the damn things made so much noise that half the ship was uninhabitable until the problem was fixed?

Come on, the Royal Navy deserves better than that!

...uh, what were we talking about, again?

[usekh.livejournal.com]

Hang on, American 'Football' is played with something that is shaped like an egg, and is held in the hand and thrown around most of the time.

So really the proper term might be 'handegg' perhaps?

[agk-ru.livejournal.com]

Smashing!
I support strongly the reinstating of the letter U!

[udoswald.livejournal.com]

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

See "2008 US Presidential Election", you're a few years late if you want to cite incompetent Presidents. Also, look at your Prime Minister before you start talking about idiots running the show.

Remind me again how your economy is doing, I seem to remember hearing about the decimation of your social safety net in the name of "austerity".

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

The states are a set and must be taken as a complete set, no substitutions.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists...

And use knives and bats instead.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

Tell that to the kids in your country.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

We tried that in New Jersey, we've managed to obliterate most of the nasty things, we are not interested in trying it again.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

I'd take Yuengling and Sam Adams over any of the British beers any day. Drinks are meant to be taken cold and beer is no exception. Drinking warm beer is like eating cold soup.

It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.

Be sure to inform the Japanese, I'm not sure they got the memo.

It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .

There are plenty of books on the subject if you want to know.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Your military, imagined at the time by the British to be the best in the world, was spanked by a bunch of farmers and shopkeepers. We'll call it even and you won't have to worry about us doing it again.

[udoswald.livejournal.com]

Also, RE: Baseball...tell the Canadians too. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes but Canada is its own country.

[malasadas.livejournal.com]

Fun Fact:

25% of British women do not brush their teeth on a daily basis. (http://www.science20.com/news_releases/25_percent_of_british_women_dont_brush_teeth_on_a_daily_basis)

[mintogrubb.livejournal.com]

cold soup
like Gaspacho, u mean ? :)

Your military, imagined at the time by the British to be the best in the world, was spanked by a bunch of farmers and shopkeepers. We'll call it even and you won't have to worry about us doing it again.

With a helluvah lot of help from the French navy, at a time when the Brits were operating several days from home and without the benefit of air power... yeah, you somehow struggled through.

Interesting that when the USA tried to take on the Canadians, they lost. Should have asked the French for a hand, but I guess they were unwilling.

The World Series I understand that it is named after 2the World" magazine, who sponsored the first tournament. it isn't pretentious - it just seems that way.

[allhatnocattle.livejournal.com]

#14, USA has been spanked time and time again. How can a billion dollar military be outgunned by guys living in a cave?

[malasadas.livejournal.com]

[lai-choi-san.livejournal.com]

You are unmasked, Lord Blackwood ! (http://youtu.be/AOB26XGLWb8)

[devil-ad-vocate.livejournal.com]

As a 26th-great grandson of King Henry II (along with approx. 76,000 others), I take issue with the lady currently enthroned. You folks need to get those Germans out of Buckingham Castle! If you find you have need of a latter day Plantagenet, please give me a call. Happy to serve with the same salary she gets, and I'll even try to ditch my Texas accent!

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Crazy Saxe-Coburg und Gothas, denying their German heritage and all!

Me, I still hope for a Jacobite restoration.

[policraticus.livejournal.com]

King Henry II was just as English as George I or James I or William III. Since 1066 England hasn't had any truly English kings.

God save the Queen, she ain't a human being

[fizzyland.livejournal.com]

Note to the British, Canadians, and other incorrect English speakers: The alphabet does not end with 'Zed'. Case in point, zebra. It's not pronounced 'zedbra'. Also, you haven't transitioned to a modern industrial economy and have terrible slang.

Re: God save the Queen, she ain't a human being

[mahnmut.livejournal.com]

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[the-rukh.livejournal.com]

14 might be a problem, the others I'm really ok with.

[the-rukh.livejournal.com]

Oh also I know who killed the Kennedys; it was you and me.

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

Also also, I could get behind this if it were God Save the Tsar.

[allhatnocattle.livejournal.com]

I say we remove all the occupiers and send them back to Europe, Asia or whereever the hell they came from.

http://www.dickshovel.com/500.html

[htpcl.livejournal.com]

We've got enough of them here already.

Under L's Declaration of the New Order:

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

"We are the first, Galactic, Empire for a safe and secure society! Safety, security, justice, and-wait, what the Hell is that coming out of the por-aaweaerawrae *camera goes static*"