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talkpolitics Last night while I was, uh, engaged in some serious recreational reading while holding court from my mighty throne, Jesus Himself, fresh from consultations with His Most Anointed Servants Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, and St. Dubya, came to me in an Holy Vision, striding out of the sacred wheat-fields of my blessed ancestral homeland, the Holy Land of Kansas.
Taken with the secret webcam I have installed in my bathroom
"PAEDRAG," said the Lord, "LET MY PEOPLE GO...TO THE BATHROOM IN COMFORT! YE MUST LEAD THEM TO THE PROMISED POOP."
And so, He gave me a blessed vision of what was to come. And now I ask you, my good and dear friends, to join me on a holy crusade to rid the world of substandard public restroom facilities, to make it so our children and grandchildren will one day say, "tell us about the Dark Ages, grandpa, when you couldn't use all the toilet paper you wanted in a bathroom."
Because, friends, there is no reason why we must suffer. After 2,500 years of war, peace, strife, trial, progress, inventions, and dreams, western civilization in its vast greatness has brought humanity to towering heights. We have harnessed the power of the atom, landed men on the moon, mapped the human genome, eradicated smallpox, and created the Philly cheesesteak. Our list of accomplishments is infinitely long.
And yet, and yet, with regards to public restrooms we are actually regressing! By this point, the western world should have safe, clean, free, and convenient public restrooms that cater to our every comfort while performing those most necessary of daily business transactions! Where are the soft, wide toilet seats, the soothing lighting, the unlimited feather-soft toilet paper, the fine granite sinks gushing forth comfortably warm fresh water, the perfectly absorbent soft paper towels, the completely-enclosed marble-walled sound- and odor-proofed stalls with dead-bolts on their wide, outward-swinging doors and a selection of classical music and thought-provoking reading material for those long sojourns into the land of peristalsis? Where, I ask, have we gone wrong?
It is Satan! Yes, the Evil One is among us, tempting our public restroom designers into mortal sin, sins that go by the name of "budgetary considerations" and "cost-effectiveness." Oh, the humanity! Oh, the tragedy of it all, that in a society where we can magnetically scan the body for disease and injury, perform life-saving surgery on babies still in the womb, probe the outer reaches of the solar system,watch Star Trek at work via Netflix and create computers of astonishing capability, we have installed apparati that restrict toilet paper usage, we have installed automatic sinks and soap dispensers that are about as usable as nipples on a rock, we have installed stall doors so narrow and unwieldy that normal-sized people can barely pass them, we have installed toilets that barely flush!
It is intolerable! It is unconscionable! It is indefensible! Will we let the Devil do his evil work unmolested? Will we let him dictate how we perform our most intimate of bodily functions? We have come so far, overcome so many obstacles, created so much, and yet we continue, year after year, to force the public, in their time of most dire and inescapable need, by some irredeemably vexatious and sinful drive for "efficiency," to "do their business" in increasingly frustrating and uncomfortable facilities that are a spiritual throwback to the days of chamber pots and castle cesspits! I will not have it, people, I WILL NOT HAVE IT! The Lord has shown me the Way, the Way to sweet, sweet comfort in our greatest time of need, and I will not rest until this holy message has spread to every nation, every public library, every government building, every Waffle House and McDonalds where those in need come to rest their weary bladders and do what God made their digestive tracts to do!
Will you join me? One day, we could all go in style....
Taken with the secret webcam I have installed in my bathroom
"PAEDRAG," said the Lord, "LET MY PEOPLE GO...TO THE BATHROOM IN COMFORT! YE MUST LEAD THEM TO THE PROMISED POOP."
And so, He gave me a blessed vision of what was to come. And now I ask you, my good and dear friends, to join me on a holy crusade to rid the world of substandard public restroom facilities, to make it so our children and grandchildren will one day say, "tell us about the Dark Ages, grandpa, when you couldn't use all the toilet paper you wanted in a bathroom."
Because, friends, there is no reason why we must suffer. After 2,500 years of war, peace, strife, trial, progress, inventions, and dreams, western civilization in its vast greatness has brought humanity to towering heights. We have harnessed the power of the atom, landed men on the moon, mapped the human genome, eradicated smallpox, and created the Philly cheesesteak. Our list of accomplishments is infinitely long.
And yet, and yet, with regards to public restrooms we are actually regressing! By this point, the western world should have safe, clean, free, and convenient public restrooms that cater to our every comfort while performing those most necessary of daily business transactions! Where are the soft, wide toilet seats, the soothing lighting, the unlimited feather-soft toilet paper, the fine granite sinks gushing forth comfortably warm fresh water, the perfectly absorbent soft paper towels, the completely-enclosed marble-walled sound- and odor-proofed stalls with dead-bolts on their wide, outward-swinging doors and a selection of classical music and thought-provoking reading material for those long sojourns into the land of peristalsis? Where, I ask, have we gone wrong?
It is Satan! Yes, the Evil One is among us, tempting our public restroom designers into mortal sin, sins that go by the name of "budgetary considerations" and "cost-effectiveness." Oh, the humanity! Oh, the tragedy of it all, that in a society where we can magnetically scan the body for disease and injury, perform life-saving surgery on babies still in the womb, probe the outer reaches of the solar system,
It is intolerable! It is unconscionable! It is indefensible! Will we let the Devil do his evil work unmolested? Will we let him dictate how we perform our most intimate of bodily functions? We have come so far, overcome so many obstacles, created so much, and yet we continue, year after year, to force the public, in their time of most dire and inescapable need, by some irredeemably vexatious and sinful drive for "efficiency," to "do their business" in increasingly frustrating and uncomfortable facilities that are a spiritual throwback to the days of chamber pots and castle cesspits! I will not have it, people, I WILL NOT HAVE IT! The Lord has shown me the Way, the Way to sweet, sweet comfort in our greatest time of need, and I will not rest until this holy message has spread to every nation, every public library, every government building, every Waffle House and McDonalds where those in need come to rest their weary bladders and do what God made their digestive tracts to do!
Will you join me? One day, we could all go in style....
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Date: 7/10/11 18:02 (UTC)You're from Kansas? Har har! How embarrassing. :p
So's our list of failures. We humans don't deserve a quality pooping experience. We deserve to crap in the woods like the sasquatch species(unga bunga ook ook!) we truly are. Humans aren't people...they're things.
And if your Lavatory Jesus is real and wants us to have gold plated toilets, why doesn't he just speak a divine incantation, wave his hand, and make it so by divine fiat? Why do we have to do all the work? Hmmm?
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Date: 7/10/11 18:55 (UTC)Which reminds me...
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