I just really dislike my body. It feels like it's the wrong body or someone else's body. When transexuals talk about having the wrong body I know EXACTLY what they are saying. I have never felt beautiful normal or at home in my body for a single moment of my life mostly because of my height. (but also my weight, but really it's just the way weight relates to height, I suffered from anorexia mostly because I thought if I were only thin enough I'd seem taller. It's like the photo of the rhino on the treadmill looking at the photo of the unicorn. Only it's just sad ... not funny. No amount of dieting will make me taller. I had to go half way to the grave an back just to figure that out.)
There is a huge mis-match between the person I want to see myself as and the person that I am. I remember being about 15 and going to se the doctor. The doctor said something about my height like "How do you feel about being short?" I replied "It's not a big deal when I'm done growing I won't need to put up with this anymore."
The doctor said "well how much more do you think you'll grow?" I was about 4'9" at the time and the shortest in my 4,000 student high school "Oh, about a foot." I said. I was totally serious. Then he told me that I'd be 5'1" or less. I was totally crushed.
Most people insist that I must change my mind to suit my body. They assume this is something superficial. That it's just about looking good. The thing is I don't care how I look to other people. If everyone saw a super short person when they met me, but if I could *feel* normal about that, or feel tall it'd be fine. I've tried this. I would love to be able to do that but it doesn't work. I'm glad to not be as depressed anymore (SSRIs have worked for me) I mostly avoid mirrors and thinking about my body and if I do that I'm OK. I can focus on the many good things in my life. I try not to look at my arms when I'm typing. (I'm just trying to give you an idea of how much this bothers me.)
My mother and father are both short mom is 5' dad is 5'4" they did a pretty good job of hiding it from me but they are not happy either. Nor were any of my grandparents. All four of them were under 5'4" The odd thing is I don't want any of them to change. I like them the way that they are, but I can see that there's this sadness, I see it in my aunts and uncles as well (but only the short ones!)
The only person who is happy with their height is my brother who is 5'8" --he just seems to be so much better of than the rest of us. Oh and a few uncles, all of the medium or tall ones don't have the sadness.
I have often pondered bone extension, but it's so expensive. I know two people who have had it (both from China) and it really improved their lives. They are adamant about this. They look only a little different to me, but it's more about how they feel. So, I don't rule it out. That could be the solution. (for me)
Everyone talks about loving yourself and all of this Mr. Rogers crap but it has never actually applied in my life. I really think that kind of talk is to make the awkwardness that people feel when presented with another person in the grip of toxic self loathing go away. It's against the magical thinking philosophy that it is only whats inside that "counts" to say otherwise. What's outside counts too. We live in these bodies for all the time that we have on earth, if making changes can make us happer that's not superficial, it's important.
I really glad that you are "better adjusted" (as some might say) than I am. Yet, I doubt my kids would be as lucky as you. They would pick up the unhappiness from me, it's not realistic for me to pretend I could hid it from them. Kids learn by watching who we are. I'm certain height will be a fairly simple matter genetically and if that's the case I'll do whatever I can to spare my kids all of this.
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Date: 11/8/11 19:04 (UTC)There is a huge mis-match between the person I want to see myself as and the person that I am. I remember being about 15 and going to se the doctor. The doctor said something about my height like "How do you feel about being short?" I replied "It's not a big deal when I'm done growing I won't need to put up with this anymore."
The doctor said "well how much more do you think you'll grow?" I was about 4'9" at the time and the shortest in my 4,000 student high school "Oh, about a foot." I said. I was totally serious. Then he told me that I'd be 5'1" or less. I was totally crushed.
Most people insist that I must change my mind to suit my body. They assume this is something superficial. That it's just about looking good. The thing is I don't care how I look to other people. If everyone saw a super short person when they met me, but if I could *feel* normal about that, or feel tall it'd be fine. I've tried this. I would love to be able to do that but it doesn't work. I'm glad to not be as depressed anymore (SSRIs have worked for me) I mostly avoid mirrors and thinking about my body and if I do that I'm OK. I can focus on the many good things in my life. I try not to look at my arms when I'm typing. (I'm just trying to give you an idea of how much this bothers me.)
My mother and father are both short mom is 5' dad is 5'4" they did a pretty good job of hiding it from me but they are not happy either. Nor were any of my grandparents. All four of them were under 5'4" The odd thing is I don't want any of them to change. I like them the way that they are, but I can see that there's this sadness, I see it in my aunts and uncles as well (but only the short ones!)
The only person who is happy with their height is my brother who is 5'8" --he just seems to be so much better of than the rest of us. Oh and a few uncles, all of the medium or tall ones don't have the sadness.
I have often pondered bone extension, but it's so expensive. I know two people who have had it (both from China) and it really improved their lives. They are adamant about this. They look only a little different to me, but it's more about how they feel. So, I don't rule it out. That could be the solution. (for me)
Everyone talks about loving yourself and all of this Mr. Rogers crap but it has never actually applied in my life. I really think that kind of talk is to make the awkwardness that people feel when presented with another person in the grip of toxic self loathing go away. It's against the magical thinking philosophy that it is only whats inside that "counts" to say otherwise. What's outside counts too. We live in these bodies for all the time that we have on earth, if making changes can make us happer that's not superficial, it's important.
I really glad that you are "better adjusted" (as some might say) than I am. Yet, I doubt my kids would be as lucky as you. They would pick up the unhappiness from me, it's not realistic for me to pretend I could hid it from them. Kids learn by watching who we are. I'm certain height will be a fairly simple matter genetically and if that's the case I'll do whatever I can to spare my kids all of this.