Lulz -- RIP, Santa
30/12/11 11:19![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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talkpoliticsPyongyang, North Korea. -- News has spread that the old jolly fat man, the idol of so many kids around the world, has been shot down earlier today by North Korean anti-aircraft missiles while flying on his way to the South Korean kids. While passing over the border, he was suddenly hit by a surface-to-air missile, which instantly obliterated Santa and his sleigh, along with all the reindeer. The South Korean military quickly gathered what was left of Santa, which was not much really: some reindeer bits and fur, although Rudolph's head was mostly intact, according to the speaker of the South Korean military.
The news is devastating for millions of kids around the world, although Santa had already managed to fulfill most of his duties at Christmas. He had even made a short stop in Northern North Korea to deliver some aid to the kids at a local hospital, although they didn't necessarily believe in him (at first they thought it was their Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il, returning from the dead a few days after he died, so they threw themselves on their faces at the floor). When confronted with the news that this was Santa Claus, they said, "Kim-Claus-who?" At least the elves looked kinda nice:
The North Korean government has officially accepted responsibility for Mr Claus's death, stating that they first thought his sleigh was an American spying drone, and they wanted to catch up with their Iranian brothers and later send them a postcard saying "Look bichiz, we did it too!" In turn, President Obama rejected the accusations of spying over North Korea, saying that he would never do such a thing (huh hu huh), and he described Mr Claus as an opportunistic victim of new leader Kim Jong-un asserting his power: "It's unfortunate that Santa Claus has become a victim of the North Korean internal politics. Kim will pay for destroying our children's hopes and dreams". Other voices are not so soft in their assessment; GOP presidential candidate and resident warmonger Newt Gingrich has been reported stating that "This is yet another major hit in the War on Christmas, but we shall prevail!" Indeed, his words are probably more than just some populist sabre-rattling, because rumors are now that a number of carriers disguised as big Christmas platforms covered with Christmas trees, shiny toys and garlands, plus a swarm of smaller vessels, are currently on their way to the Korean shores.
Worldwide reaction to Mr Claus's death has been a mixture of grief and outrage. Many American citizens count on Santa to bring their Children their Christmas presents, especially since the Second Great Depression(tm) started in '08. Protests have sprung all across North America and Europe, demanding death for the North Korean heathens. War now looks imminent. It will probably be called the Christmas Revenge War I (because there's always a II).
A state funeral is prepared for Santa on the North Pole on New Year's Day. Numerous world leaders, Nobel Peace Prize laureates and rock stars will be present to pay final homage to their childhood idol. Santa himself will be posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for bravery and relentless humanitarian service. A private ceremony will be held by his widow, Mrs Claus, the elves, and a few close friends like the Easter Rabbit and the Tooth-fairy. Asked if anyone is willing to carry on Santa's legacy of philanthropy, Mrs Claus said "It's too early to tell at this point", but again, rumors are that a casting has been secretly initiated, and Santa v.2.0 will appear just in time to start receiving children's letters with wishes for next year's Christmas presents.
He will be remembered forever.
The news is devastating for millions of kids around the world, although Santa had already managed to fulfill most of his duties at Christmas. He had even made a short stop in Northern North Korea to deliver some aid to the kids at a local hospital, although they didn't necessarily believe in him (at first they thought it was their Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il, returning from the dead a few days after he died, so they threw themselves on their faces at the floor). When confronted with the news that this was Santa Claus, they said, "Kim-Claus-who?" At least the elves looked kinda nice:
The North Korean government has officially accepted responsibility for Mr Claus's death, stating that they first thought his sleigh was an American spying drone, and they wanted to catch up with their Iranian brothers and later send them a postcard saying "Look bichiz, we did it too!" In turn, President Obama rejected the accusations of spying over North Korea, saying that he would never do such a thing (huh hu huh), and he described Mr Claus as an opportunistic victim of new leader Kim Jong-un asserting his power: "It's unfortunate that Santa Claus has become a victim of the North Korean internal politics. Kim will pay for destroying our children's hopes and dreams". Other voices are not so soft in their assessment; GOP presidential candidate and resident warmonger Newt Gingrich has been reported stating that "This is yet another major hit in the War on Christmas, but we shall prevail!" Indeed, his words are probably more than just some populist sabre-rattling, because rumors are now that a number of carriers disguised as big Christmas platforms covered with Christmas trees, shiny toys and garlands, plus a swarm of smaller vessels, are currently on their way to the Korean shores.
Worldwide reaction to Mr Claus's death has been a mixture of grief and outrage. Many American citizens count on Santa to bring their Children their Christmas presents, especially since the Second Great Depression(tm) started in '08. Protests have sprung all across North America and Europe, demanding death for the North Korean heathens. War now looks imminent. It will probably be called the Christmas Revenge War I (because there's always a II).
A state funeral is prepared for Santa on the North Pole on New Year's Day. Numerous world leaders, Nobel Peace Prize laureates and rock stars will be present to pay final homage to their childhood idol. Santa himself will be posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for bravery and relentless humanitarian service. A private ceremony will be held by his widow, Mrs Claus, the elves, and a few close friends like the Easter Rabbit and the Tooth-fairy. Asked if anyone is willing to carry on Santa's legacy of philanthropy, Mrs Claus said "It's too early to tell at this point", but again, rumors are that a casting has been secretly initiated, and Santa v.2.0 will appear just in time to start receiving children's letters with wishes for next year's Christmas presents.
He will be remembered forever.
(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 09:37 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 09:46 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 09:39 (UTC)Hurðaskellir, the Door-Slammer. Occupation: Likes to slam doors, especially during the night.
Stay out of North Korea, Hurðaskellir
(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 09:40 (UTC)Time to part-eee!
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Date: 30/12/11 09:44 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 09:49 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 19:48 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 10:56 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 11:16 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 17:54 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 30/12/11 22:25 (UTC)