Shoes and the idiots who fight over them, or, PaedragGaidin's grumpy holiday rant

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

Shoes. You know, as a normal guy, I don't really think about shoes very much. I have, in fact, one pair of shoes to my name, a really nice, long-lasting pair of brown leather Dunhams I get from a specialty store in Wichita, the same pair I buy every three years or so and that serve as work, casual, and dress shoes (this is in contrast to, say, my sister, who has an estimated 744,000 pairs of shoes in her house). I wear them until they are literally falling apart, and then I replace them with an identical pair. (I would have worn my last pair longer had Penny not finally forced me to replace them when we went back to Wichita for Spring Break, pointing out that the lack of soles and tendency to squeak with sucked-up water during rainy weather were general indications of obsolescence.)

I don't get people who have shoes for every occasion, every color, every season, or whatever. I mean, they're shoes. They are a mere tool that serve a useful function, an accessory meant to cover and protect the feet. You can try all you want to tell me how you have to match shoes with outfit and color and [yadda yadda yadda endless shoe-obsessed bullshit], but I'm sorry, I don't get it. Adult human beings require, at maximum, for normal purposes, three pairs of shoes: one for everyday wear, one for dressy occasions, one for inclement weather. Now, some workers require special footwear, and that's okay, and so do athletes. People who engage in pointless physical exertion exercise also may require one additional pair. People who think it's "hot out" may, for some reason or other, decide they need sandals, and I suppose that's acceptable. But people who have 10-20 pairs of shoes? Come on. That's ridiculous.

(Of course, I'm also the guys whose year-round wardrobe consists primarily of black casual pants and black or grey t-shirts, but that's really beside the point.)

So, you can imagine my continued horror at reading about the recent outbreak of violent tomfoolery surrounding Nike's release of new Air Jordan sneakers. It even hit my old stomping ground, the Towne East Square shopping mall in Wichita, where I used to spend my childhood Saturdays in the Aladdin's Castle arcade, with the occasional delectable sandwich from Steak Escape in the food court. To wit:

In Lithonia, Georgia, police took four people into custody after a mall's doors were damaged, CNN affiliate WSB reported. Also, police questioned a mother who witnesses said left her kids, ages 2 and 5, in a car as she went into the mall to buy the shoes, WSB reported.

...

At a suburban Seattle mall Friday, police used pepper spray to bring order to an unruly crowd of 2,000 shoppers seeking the new shoe, said Mike Murphy of the Tukwila, Washington, Police Department.

...

In Louisville, Kentucky, public safety dispatchers said they received a report of 75 to 100 people in a fight over the shoes at a mall, CNN affiliate WDRB reported.

...

In Charlotte, North Carolina, police were called to three malls after crowds became rowdy, CNN affiliate WCNC reported. At one mall, customers pried open a door at 6 a.m. Friday, and one person was arrested for resisting an officer, the station reported.

Fights, near riots, trampling of law enforcement officers, burglary, vandalism, child endangerment, and general mayhem, over a $180 pair of sneakers! Ye gods, people, $180 for sneakers! Do you know how many other, better things I could do with $180 than waste it on a stupid pair of celebrity-branded sneakers? I could get 30 lunch specials at New Fun Ree. Or take Penny out to dinner twice at Sonny Williams' Steak Room, one of Little Rock's most egregiously overpriced restaurants.* Or, seriously, take her to dinner five times somewhere nice. Or get one textbook for next semester. Or two pairs of my beloved brown Dunhams, which would last for around six years.

It boggles the mind, my friends, it boggles the mind. Why would anyone camp out for hours, in December, for a pair of shoes? Or fight other people? or break down a door? I don't get it. They are, once again, just a damned pair of shoes. It's even worse than the idiotic parents who behave like sugared-up kindergartners, fighting over Tickle Me Elmo or whatever the latest fad toy is. At least they're wanting to get something for their (apparently spoiled and equally stupid)** children, whereas the Air Jordan people are, presumably, only wanting them for themselves. (I don't really know...I've never bought shoes for someone as a gift before. Do people do that? I would be pretty insulted if someone gave me shoes as a gift, really.)

Shoes, like I said, are a tool. You don't see people in the hardware department at Sears fighting over cordless drills*** or breaking down the door to get a deal on the new Craftsman Tim Taylor Retro 1995 Rocket Fuel-Powered Leaf Blower, right? What makes Nike Air Jordans so special, so worth violence and stupidity? It's one of the many, many Signs of the Apocalypse that are heralding the end of Western Civilization. People fighting over freaking shoes. Talk about totally skewed priorities! It's just so, so, well, stupid! I don't get it! BAH!

BAH HUMBUG. Merry Christmas, everyone!

* Like the idea of $180 sneakers, the idea of a $45 New York strip steak is so stupid as to make a lobotomized jellyfish look like Nikolai Tesla. $45 should feed three people at a fancy restaurant, including drinks. Of course, to me Olive Garden is a "fancy restaurant." I think I am a little too working class for this whole lawyer culture thing. You should have seen me at the law review conference in March. I didn't even know what to *do* with a $71/day food allowance.

** You know, when I was a kid, I generally wanted Legos or books, with the occasional Star Wars action figure thrown in for good measure. I never would have thought of demanding that my mom Santa bring me something specific. That would have been an absolute sure-fire way to not get what I wanted.

*** Although I can see some of my relatives doing this, after their typical Christmas morning quart of Jack and Coke, if you amended the sentence to "fighting with cordless drills." Nothing like a Hayes Family Christmas!

Comments

[enders-shadow.livejournal.com]

A) Your icon reminds me of RealityHammer
B) I can imagine that the shoes that people would riot over would make a good present for those who would have rioted, but had other obligations
C) I'm right there with ya on how stupid 10-20 pairs of shoes is. But remember, that not everybody has taken to heart the lesson of Fight Club

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

Brown leather does it all for me. :P

I am willing to entertain your version of the Four Required Shoes. it is reasonable.

[ginnyjake.livejournal.com]

Do you wear brown shoes with black suits?

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

I only have the one, and it's navy, but I would. lol

[blue-mangos.livejournal.com]

*shudders*

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

I don't wear shoes, I wear steel toed boots. If I have to wear dress shoes, I feel naked and unprepared for rough ground, and bereft of my chief weapon. The steel-toes. I won't ever kick a man unless I have steel toes on.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Plus they help for when my horse steps on my feet.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know what to *do* with a $71/day food allowance.
I always put my per diems in the bank and eat at McDonald's.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Not yet, at least.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

I only eat once a day anyways.

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

hah...if I could have put the unused $ in the bank I'd have done that and eaten ramen the whole trip...but sadly unused dining allowance $ was lost forever in the mists of time.

[meus-ovatio.livejournal.com]

Weird. It was always just a part of my paycheck.

[blue-mangos.livejournal.com]

I have far far more than 20 pairs of shoes. I don't even want to tell you how many for fear of the rant it will set off.

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

*vein in forehead starts to throb*

[devil-ad-vocate.livejournal.com]

A police officer was injured in the shoe idiocy here in Austin. I had hoped we had more sane people. The stupidity is overwhelming.

[ghoststrider.livejournal.com]

I really can't understand the how commercialism around Christmas. I mean, I get it in that companies have done this in order to boost sales...but I can't get people rioting because they can't buy a certain product. I mean hell, I'm the freaking free market libertarian and I don't get it.

Much better just to celebrate the Solstice, have a small party, drink booze, and be done with it.

[mahnmut.livejournal.com]

That's the result of thorough brainwashing.

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

JUST LIKE MY SISTER I SWEAR ONE DAY HER HOUSE WILL BE BURNT IN A SHOESPLOSION I FEAR FOR HER D:

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

that brings up another thing...why do only ladies get purses?! i want one too! sometimes I have too much stuff to carry for the paltry man-pockets I am allowed but not enough to warrant using my bookbag. t'ain't fair

[gunslnger.livejournal.com]

There is nothing wrong with these:
http://www.europeanshoulderbag.com/

[telemann.livejournal.com]

Shoulder messenger bags dude. You got to get one if you have a laptop anyway ;)

[stewstewstewdio.livejournal.com]

"my sister, who has an estimated 744,000 pairs of shoes in her house"

Your sister is Imelda Marcos?

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

well, she's Lebanese, not Filipino, doesn't have delusions of grandeur, but otherwise yes!

[ginnyjake.livejournal.com]

I don't know what I'd do with $71 for food either. I mean, come on, I can make a $3 dollar lunch from the law school vending machines. I almost cringe when I have to spend more than $10 for a meal.

[paedraggaidin.livejournal.com]

heh, yeah...the most I spent out in one day that trip was around $40, and that was the day I went to five different Starbucks. Every night I'd order room service.

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

But do they shit on cars? Inquiring minds want to know.