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talkpoliticsNo Citations Allowed presents: Holy Hobbit Kim Jong-il's wacky weirdom! So. Now that the North Korean people will be weeping inconsolably for the next 3 years, maybe it's worth checking out what was so special about Dear Leader. See, most importantly, he never used a toilet in his entire life! That's what his official website initially said. OK, that, ehm, piece-of-shit, was eventually removed, because even his PR lackeys decided it was going too far. But that's far from all.
Kim Jong-il invented a food product which he called the "double bun with meat in it". He also built factories to produce the bun and feed the malnourished NK populace. That's what the NK press claims, and we have no reason to doubt them (but don't you ask for citations! and it's not like you'd understand Hangul anyway!). Well sure, the product had a striking resemblance to American hamburgers, but what the hell. Who would'a noticed? North Koreans couldn't locate USA on a map, amirite? (Oh wait.....)
A recent list of luxurious items that were imported into NK shows that Kim had a crush on Chinese dolphins, French poodles and African aphrodisiacs. Rumors say he was a true connoisseur of donkey meat, big rare crabs and sophisticated French wines. He never traveled by plane because he had a phobia, but he had a special private train, which is kinda cool! And while he traveled on his train, his crabs were being delivered by air. By the way, the train is where Death finally found him, and where he ascended to his cosmic throne in the higher dimensions. And that says a lot. Not sure what exactly it says, but it does.
It is believed that Kim drank cognac worth 450,000 GBP per annum, while the average annual income per capita of his people was 580 GBP. Kim also had 17 splendid mansions scattered all across the country. That makes 1 mansion for every 3 weeks of the year.
One of the most persistent myths about Kim II was that he was able to control the weather with his mood. This could explain some strange occurrences that marked his death (bear with me and see below).
Much like Gaddafi, Kim's entire entourage consisted of young women who were always testing his food, to the last grain of rice. The main thing they were checking it for? Poison? No, not really. Rather, the standards for size, color, weight and taste. Kim was maniacal about that. One grain of rice that was different from the rest could ruin his entire day, and I'm telling you, you don't wanna see a mad Kim (well, at least not much madder than usual).
Furthermore, Comrade Kim was strict about his requirement that all the waitresses in the most reputed restaurants in Pyongyang (if such a thing even really existed there) which were being frequented by foreigners (Chinese and Cubans, I'm guessing?), should undergo cosmetic surgery in order to look a bit more "Western". Kind of like the Japanese ad models from the billboards.
Kim was a prolific artist, too! He composed 6 big operas, and he liked putting musicals on stage. All the audience applauded the musicals emphatically, or else! His biography says that while he was in university, he wrote a total of 1,500 books within just 3 years! Makes you wonder when did he find time for dating fellow hobbit girls...
So you can see why people are crying for him. He was a sheer Superman, OMG! Ehm, I mean - Superhobbit!
Even nature honored him at his death hour. The NK state information agency announced that at the moment he died, a huge snow storm started on the sacred Paektusan mountain, in whose foothills the late Second Dear Leader had reportedly been born. As soon as his death was announced, a mysterious aurora was noticed in the sky; the ice of a mountain lake cracked loudly, and a crane bird bowed in front of his father's statue. And probably sang a poem.
Now the North Koreans are expected to pay tribute to their late Dear Leader three times a day, and demonstrate how devoted to his communist dynasty they are. The idea is to avoid any suspicion of disloyalty, because no-one wants to work in the mines for the rest of their miserable life.
Meanwhile, Chubby Hobbit Kim Jong-eun will be receiving those air rice deliveries for ya, thankyouverymuch.
Kim Jong-il invented a food product which he called the "double bun with meat in it". He also built factories to produce the bun and feed the malnourished NK populace. That's what the NK press claims, and we have no reason to doubt them (but don't you ask for citations! and it's not like you'd understand Hangul anyway!). Well sure, the product had a striking resemblance to American hamburgers, but what the hell. Who would'a noticed? North Koreans couldn't locate USA on a map, amirite? (Oh wait.....)
A recent list of luxurious items that were imported into NK shows that Kim had a crush on Chinese dolphins, French poodles and African aphrodisiacs. Rumors say he was a true connoisseur of donkey meat, big rare crabs and sophisticated French wines. He never traveled by plane because he had a phobia, but he had a special private train, which is kinda cool! And while he traveled on his train, his crabs were being delivered by air. By the way, the train is where Death finally found him, and where he ascended to his cosmic throne in the higher dimensions. And that says a lot. Not sure what exactly it says, but it does.
It is believed that Kim drank cognac worth 450,000 GBP per annum, while the average annual income per capita of his people was 580 GBP. Kim also had 17 splendid mansions scattered all across the country. That makes 1 mansion for every 3 weeks of the year.
One of the most persistent myths about Kim II was that he was able to control the weather with his mood. This could explain some strange occurrences that marked his death (bear with me and see below).
Much like Gaddafi, Kim's entire entourage consisted of young women who were always testing his food, to the last grain of rice. The main thing they were checking it for? Poison? No, not really. Rather, the standards for size, color, weight and taste. Kim was maniacal about that. One grain of rice that was different from the rest could ruin his entire day, and I'm telling you, you don't wanna see a mad Kim (well, at least not much madder than usual).
Furthermore, Comrade Kim was strict about his requirement that all the waitresses in the most reputed restaurants in Pyongyang (if such a thing even really existed there) which were being frequented by foreigners (Chinese and Cubans, I'm guessing?), should undergo cosmetic surgery in order to look a bit more "Western". Kind of like the Japanese ad models from the billboards.
Kim was a prolific artist, too! He composed 6 big operas, and he liked putting musicals on stage. All the audience applauded the musicals emphatically, or else! His biography says that while he was in university, he wrote a total of 1,500 books within just 3 years! Makes you wonder when did he find time for dating fellow hobbit girls...
So you can see why people are crying for him. He was a sheer Superman, OMG! Ehm, I mean - Superhobbit!
Even nature honored him at his death hour. The NK state information agency announced that at the moment he died, a huge snow storm started on the sacred Paektusan mountain, in whose foothills the late Second Dear Leader had reportedly been born. As soon as his death was announced, a mysterious aurora was noticed in the sky; the ice of a mountain lake cracked loudly, and a crane bird bowed in front of his father's statue. And probably sang a poem.
Now the North Koreans are expected to pay tribute to their late Dear Leader three times a day, and demonstrate how devoted to his communist dynasty they are. The idea is to avoid any suspicion of disloyalty, because no-one wants to work in the mines for the rest of their miserable life.
Meanwhile, Chubby Hobbit Kim Jong-eun will be receiving those air rice deliveries for ya, thankyouverymuch.
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Date: 24/12/11 16:02 (UTC)This!
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Date: 24/12/11 16:03 (UTC)Now I know where all the food aid to NK went...
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Date: 24/12/11 16:05 (UTC)*Cough*ditto*cougH*
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Date: 24/12/11 17:33 (UTC)This show about North Korea is quite possibly the most disturbing documentary I've ever seen and urge everyone to watch it. I may make this a top level post if I can summon my wits enough to make personal commentary.
tl;dr before the tl: the tears are absolutely real, 23 million people have been brainwashed and may very well go mad if/when the truth about the world is revealed to them.
(ETA: Four edits later, I give up and barely avoid a YOU SUCK LIVEJOURNAL rant in this space.)
Since I have no idea if that embed works (thanks LJ) (ETA: IT DIDN'T), I'll include a link too (along with apologies for LJ's suckery):
National Geographic Explorer: Inside North Korea (2007) on Hulu (http://www.hulu.com/watch/312210/explorer-inside-north-korea)
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